McKena Harlen -- SEPTEMBER STUDENT OF THE MONTH

McKENA HARLEN --  SEPTEMBER 2015 STUDENT OF THE MONTH 

On Saturday, October 3, at its most recent Graduation ceremony held at Wyoming Area Catholic School, Barnes Martial Arts announced McKena Harlen as Student of the Month for September. She was also promoted to Advanced Gold Belt at the same ceremony.

McKena, age 5 ½, is a member of the Little Dragons program, a specialized course for children ages 4-7.

A Kindergarten student at Dana Street Elementary school in Forty Fort, she says her favorite subject is “the ABCs”.

In addition to Martial Arts, McKena lists soccer and hanging out with her friends as other interests.

McKena is a resident of Swoyersville, PA where she lives with her mother, Lorissa Senczakowicz and her step-father, Bill Thompson. Her father, Ryan Harlen is equally proud of her achieving the award and earning her promotion.

McKena initially began training in Martial Arts after experiencing bullying in school. “I don’t like people bullying me”, she said.

According to Master Gary R. Barnes, “McKena is a terrific student. She very quickly showed an aptitude for the physical part of the Art, but more importantly she has such a positive attitude and a bright, engaging personality. She is very curious, and very astute; she asks questions and really has a pretty deep insight for one so young. Talking to her before or after class is one of the highlights of my day. We chose McKena as Student of the Month for her consistent attendance, her dedication and her positive attitude.”

Students of the Month are chosen based on a variety of criteria, including: class participation, discipline, attitude, technique, personal conduct and how well they exemplify the Martial Arts in ALL areas of their lives, in and out of the studio.

Asked what is her favorite Martial Arts technique, McKena quickly and enthusiastically answered, “Ground fighting”

When asked if she had any advice for others who might be considering Martial Arts training, McKena responded, “You learn techniques to be safe; if you want to be safe you should take Martial Arts.”

Are YOU a Bully (Part TWO)?

Bullying hurts.

It is NOT a joke.

It is NOT just kids being kids.

Bullying is cruel and leaves scars.

Bullying behavior is LEARNED behavior.

Bullies DON’T just appear out of the blue.

Bullying IS violence.

The following are quotes from actual bully victims (for reasons of privacy, only first names are used where available):

"I don't want to go to school anymore. They make my life hell. No-one listens. I want to end it all" --  Ray, age 14

"It's been a very hard experience. The boys are the bad people. I don't care about them, and they're going to get the punishment they deserve," -- Austin, a 16 year old autistic high school student who was duct taped to a football goal post, abandoned, and screamed for 22 minutes until help finally arrived.

"There were times when I'd just sit outside by myself at recess, just sit outside and pick at the grass, because I felt like the world hated me." -- Trish, now 31 years old, was bullied throughout her middle and high school years. Her abuse ranged from kids calling her "Tissue" and wiping their noses on her clothing, to her "best friend" punching her, to even her cousins and sister forming a club they called "W.H.E.A.T." — "We Hate Everything About Trish"

"It makes me feel bad and rather depressed. Like I don't want to be a part of this world any more." -- Anonymous, age 13, victim of cyber-bullying.

"I got messages from people telling me to kill myself and saying that the world would be better off without me and that everybody hated me. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I lost all self esteem and became paranoid about people. I couldn't trust anyone because I found out that even some of the people who had been nice to me at a school had begun to send me abusive messages anonymously online,"  -- Natalie, age 15, whose bullying became so intense that she contemplated suicide.

"I was one of the odd ones out. The school did nothing." -- Sawyer, now 18, was punched in the back by a bully so hard that it brought him to his knees. Two days later, because of the pain, he was hospitalized; doctors informed him and his family that the punch likely caused the spinal blood clot which paralyzed him from the waist down.

"They make fun of my weight, and my clothes like they're pajamas. My class cut up my Tinkerbell shirt, now it has a big hole in it. I try to tell them to stop but they won't stop, they always push me down. It's really hard for me to take all that bullying. When they push me and make me sad and feel bad, it's really mean. I want to kill myself." -- Mariyah, age 7

I have included the quotes above, from the victims themselves in order to illustrate just how gravely serious the consequences of bullying can be. How severe does a behavior have to be that a 7 year old child thinks about taking their own life?

Part One of this series asked the hard question: "Are YOU a bully?"

I think it is important, before continuing, to read and then re-read the words of the victims. Because what a bully sees as "fun" can have devastating effects.

In light of the words of the victims, another sobering question must be asked: "Do you want to be the cause of someone's death?"

Bullying can kill, and has. Victims of bullying are 2-9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University. A study in Britain found that at least 50% of suicides among young people were related to bullying. The same study determined that 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide. According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying. Bully-related suicide -- which is so prevalent that it has been termed "bullycide" -- can be connected to any type of bullying, including physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyber-bullying, and sexting.

In “Are YOU a Bully (Part ONE)”, we explained that bullies may see their behavior as a way of being popular, or making themselves look tough and in charge.

As a refresher, here are a few more questions to consider in determining if you have ever behaved in a bullying manner.

Have you ever repeatedly:

• Called someone names?
• Physically hurt someone on purpose (hitting, kicking, punching etc)?
• Used your size to intimidate or threaten others?
• Made fun of people you perceive as different?
• Made fun of a person’s culture or religion?
• Laughed at someone because they have a disability?
• Said nasty things about another person’s weight, hair color, skin color or clothes?
• Taken someone else’s belongings?
• Damaged or destroyed someone else’s property?
• Spread rumors about someone?
• Said nasty things about someone behind their back?
• Purposely not invited someone to go out with you and your friends?
• Excluded someone from your group on purpose?
• Made someone cry on purpose?
• Sent someone nasty or threatening emails or texts?
• Posted mean or unkind comments about another person on a social networking site (Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, Facebook, etc)?
• Laughed at someone who is being picked on?
• Are you jealous of the person you are bullying?
• Worried about something that may be happening in your own life?
• Being mistreated by someone in your life?
• Are you hanging around with other bullies and want to fit in?
• Do you like the feeling of power bullying gives you?
• Do you think bullying someone makes you popular?
• Are you being bullied yourself and taking it out on someone else?
• Have you ever bullied someone, then denied it to a parent, teacher or authority figure? Even if they may have seen you do it?
• Have you ever threatened to harm someone if they reported your behavior? 

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then, by definition you have engaged in bullying behavior, and you need to think about why you do these things.

In class, we have discussed various possible reasons for bullying behavior.

They are:

• Some bullies seek attention ... even negative attention means someone is noticing them
• To steal things from others
• To make others afraid of them ... this gives a sense of power
• Some are jealous of the person they are bullying
• Many bullies may even be being bullied themselves
• Many bullies have had a bad experience themselves or they feel unhappy and/or insecure with their lives.
• Some bullies live abusive home lives
• And a few bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the sufferer feel. 

Of course, none of these things excuses a bully’s behavior. Understanding the underlying cause, however, can sometimes help in solving the situation.

Bullying can be likened to addiction; bullies become addicted to the power and control they have over others. That desire for power and control not only leads to negative attention, but may lead to much bigger trouble later in life. Research has shown that by the age of 24, bullies are 60% more likely to have a criminal record than any other group (Andy Tomko, You Big Bully, 2005). I don't know of anyone who willingly seeks out this type of life for themselves.

There is always hope for those who are willing to seek help. Those who recognize the error of their ways and are willing to make the effort to change and become better deserve respect, support, and encouragement.

As with any problem, admitting it is the first step. Own your behavior. Admit to yourself that what you are doing to others is wrong. Accept responsibility and reach out to someone and ask for assistance. Talk to your parents ... a teacher ... your Martial Arts instructor ... a school counselor. Talking about what you are doing brings it into the light; it may help you understand why you are doing it and provide an opportunity to change.

If bullying has become habitual -- that is, you have engaged in it for a considerable length of time -- it may not be easy to just stop. However, be patient and keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing and it will not only make a huge difference in your life but in the lives of those you once bullied.

If you have engaged in bullying behavior, regardless of the reason, you need to reach out for help. AND, YES, YOU CAN CHANGE.

Here are a few things that you may find helpful in changing your behavior:

• Talk to someone -- a parent, guardian, teacher, etc. -- and tell them how you feel; be completely honest
• Apologize to the person(s) you have been bullying. Out of anger or fear, they may not immediately accept your apology, and that is OK. It is your effort that is important, as long as it is sincere and you truly mean it. 
• Stop hanging around with other bullies ... even if you think of them as "friends" being around them is not healthy, and it will be too easy for you to be drawn back into negative behavior.
• Join a local youth club or sports team ... not only is the physical effort a good, healthy outlet for any pent up aggression, but sports teach teamwork and how to productively interact with peers
• Make new friends ... if you are cutting out the negative people in your life, seek out positive influences.
• Set goals, such as being friendly to everyone you meet or not being nasty or hurting anyone; if bullying is a habit, so is kindness and compassion. The more you exercise those healthy qualities, the stronger and more natural they will become.
• Talk to your friends -- your real friends -- and ask them to help you stop
• Do some volunteer work -- read to someone in a nursing home; pick up trash in the neighborhood; help out in the school counseling office; give talks about how not to be a bully. These are great ways to practice kindness, compassion, respect and to build a better self-image. 
  
  In conclusion, having read the words of the victims, and understanding the fear and pain with which they live  ... having asked yourself the difficult questions ... and realizing that bullying behavior may end lives, there is still hope.
  
  Even if you are a bully, you Can change ... and Barnes Martial Arts is here to help.

Are YOU a Bully? (Part ONE)

A great deal of time in our Studio is spent educating students on how to identifying bullies, understanding why people bully, how to properly respond to a bully, and even how to physically defend against a bully. 

One question that we address at Barnes Martial Arts that is frequently overlooked by most Martial Arts schools when speaking with their students is: "Are you a bully?" 

As educators we all want to believe that our own students are as pure as can be, that any threat to their classmates solely exists somewhere "out there". After all, no one would dare bully someone in a Martial Arts studio, would they? Sadly, although it is a very rare occurrence, that is, despite our best intentions, not always the case. The truth is bullies can exist wherever people interact. Disappointingly, over my 34 years in the Martial Arts I have unfortunately witnessed students bully others on the mats, in the dressing rooms, and in the parking lot outside the school. 

Barnes Martial Arts prides itself on being a "Bully-Free Zone", and I firmly believe that, thankfully, none of our students fits the profile, but it is wise, nonetheless, to address the issue as part of an overall program of preparedness. 

Bullying, as we are all aware, is a threat to the mental, physical, and psychological safety of children (and adults, for that matter); study after study has shown that the effects of bullying can last long after the behavior has stopped, even into adulthood (see: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1). 

So ... if you are a Martial Arts student (or parent of a student) and are unsure of whether you may be a bully at school or elsewhere, the following questions will help you reflect on your behavior and that of others around you. 

(1) DO I KNOW WHAT BULLYING IS ?

According to Center for Disease Control (CDC) guidelines, bullying is “any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) … that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” This dovetails with the definition that we use at the Studio, which comes from Master Dave Kovar's excellent organization, Martial Artists Against Bullying (http://donewithbullying.com) and their "Done With Bullying" program: "Bullying is when someone tries to deliberately hurt other people with words or actions. In order for something to truly be considered bullying, it must be intentional AND repetitive. Without these two words, anything could be labeled as bullying." 

(2) DO I DERIVE PLEASURE FROM WATCHING OR CAUSING OTHERS TO FAIL?

Bullies put people down in order to lift themselves up. They are trying to fit in and feel that bullying is the way to do it. They try to feel like more, by making others feel like less. If you like seeing classmates mess up a task, you will be less likely to be supportive of others’ successes and more inclined to ignore their feelings. 

(3) HOW IS MY LISTENING?

Do you listen carefully when people are talking or do you think mostly about how you will respond? When someone else is speaking, do you think to yourself (or say out loud): "Who cares? I just wish you'd shut up." Listening, with empathy and concern, is a good guard against bullying. Why is listening in this way important? Because, if you care about how your actions affect others, you are less likely to act in a way that hurts them.

(4) DO I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS TOUGH? 

How important to you is that your reputation is one of dominance and strength? If your reputation is largely built around your perceived strength over others, that is a serious problem. You are more likely to put yourself above them. Despite what a bully may believe, physically exerting oneself, hurting others, pushing, shoving, hitting, threatening violence, to get what you want is not a sign of toughness. On the contrary, it is an indicator of both fear, and a weakness of character.

Remember, true strength is measured in honesty, respect, confidence, trustworthiness, kindness, and compassion.

(5) DO I EXERCISE POWER OVER OTHERS JUST BECAUSE I CAN?

Sometimes bullies have an attitude that they call all the shots, that others must listen to them and do what they say or suffer the bully's anger. Do you boss others around? Do you like the feeling that someone has to do what you say? This is a serious warning sign. A better behavior is to become a friend rather than a dictator. 

(6) DO I BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY, OR TREAT OTHERS DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY A PARENT, TEACHER, OR AUTHORITY FIGURE? 

If you call people names, push them, invade their personal space, insult them, or cause them embarrassment when you think no one is looking, that is bullying behavior. Many bullies are sneaky and will only act out when they think there is no chance of being caught. You may think that they are cowards for acting this way, but it is an indicator of manipulative behavior. Bullies will frequently act friendly with their victims in front of teachers or parents, only to harass or hurt them the minute the teacher is out of sight.

Fortunately, the Martial Arts studio is small enough that the Master Instructor, Junior Leaders, and others can observe most behavior at all times. 

(7) HOW IS MY SENSE OF HUMOR?

Everyone loves to laugh and have a good time. A good sense of humor can bring people together. But jokes that focus on reinforcing one's supposed superiority over someone else are harmful. Jokes about somebody’s race or ethnicity; a physical or mental disability; making fun of someone who cannot afford expensive clothing; or that exploit common stigmas such as being poor, wearing glasses, or any number of factors is unacceptable. Even if the person being joked about appears to be in on it, know that it can often be difficult for them and/or bystanders -- due to fear or embarrassment -- to call out unfunny and mean jokes. They may laugh to mask the pain. And because determining that can be difficult , it is best to avoid inappropriate humor altogether.

A bully listens only for the laugh and derives pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others. 

(8) AM I A CYBER BULLY?

Before you send that Facebook message, or post that tweet, consider three important

rules of online social interaction:

1. Don’t say anything in writing you would not -- or should not -- say in person.

2. Remember it is hard to determine tone, intention, humor, or sarcasm in text form. 

3. Do not ever post someone else’s words or images without his/her permission. There is a saying that "The Internet is forever". What you post as a joke today, can cause someone pain for years. 

(9) HOW DO I SOLVE PROBLEMS? 

It’s inevitable -- and normal -- that you will eventually have problems with other people. Bullies may often avoid respectful solutions -- like discussion -- to problems; relying instead on force or control. They may manipulate others against the victim; they may be aggressive; or they may put others down if they don't get their way. Sometimes the insult may be spoken behind someone’s back, but it still establishes destructive behaviors by influencing other and possibly turning them against the bully's target.

It requires bravery and honesty -- characteristics that many bullies lack -- to deal with a problem directly. Bullies look for the easy way out: violence, threats, non-communication.

(10) DO I PERSUADE OR COERCE?

One can be can be assertive and well-spoken in one's point of view without resorting to manipulation or games to get what one wants. If you think that somebody is wrong or your idea is better, be persuasive, but not coercive. Persuasive means saying, "I think I have a good idea and here are the reasons that we might want to consider it." Coercion says, "We are going to do things my way ... or else."

Only a bully uses force or threats to get their way. Instead, be confident enough to be clear with your side of things and kind and open enough to listen to others’ views. The best ideas should win, not just yours.

If any of these questions made you pause and think about how you treat others, consider speaking with your parents or reaching out to a teacher.

It is never to late to make your life bully-free ... even if the bully is us.

Cards & Letters for Blake Kitchen

This is a copy of an article I submitted to the local news media. I felt that our Studio did a good thing for Blake Kitchen; it came from the heart. We didn't do it to seek publicity. But after much consideration, I wrote this article for two reasons: (1) I am proud of each and every student who took valuable time away from their own lives to encourage and support a boy whom none of us know personally, but who just as easily could have been one of us. You are the future of Martial Arts ... not just in Northeast, PA but anywhere you go. It is nice knowing that the future will be one of  not just fighting skills but compassion, respect and community involvement; and (2) to highlight the tragedy of bullying. As I said in the article, bullying is an epidemic in this country; it affects millions of people of all ages, races, economic backgrounds and from all walks of life. Having experienced bullying in my youth, that breaks my heart.

Thank you for reading and, of course, please feel free to respond with your thoughts and comments. -- Master Gary R. Barnes

FORTY FORT MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO ORGANIZES CARD AND LETTER CAMPAIGN FOR BULLYING VICTIM

(FORTY FORT) What was it about an incident of bullying that occurred 900 miles away in Liberty, Missouri that motivated a Martial Arts instructor from NEPA to mobilize his students and their families to write cards and letters in support of the victim?
“When I was young I was bullied, too, mercilessly. I have students who were bullied. I personally know victims of bullying. So when I read Blake’s story on March 7, my heart went out to him,” says Master Gary R. Barnes, owner of Barnes Martial Arts in Forty Fort. “Like Blake, other victims of bullying – myself and some of my students included – know all too well what it is like to live in fear and to have those fears ignored by school administrators, who should know better. His experience deeply moved me.”

Blake Kitchen is a 12 year old sixth grader with Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism) at Liberty Middle School who was severely beaten by a school bully. The incident occurred when Blake arrived at school for breakfast. He took his usual spot in the cafeteria when another boy – an 8^th grader who at 200 pounds outweighed Blake by nearly 125 pounds – moved his belongings and took his seat. When Blake asked him to move, the other boy responded violently. The beating was so bad that it left him with a broken jaw, fractured skull, cuts and contusions and cerebrospinal fluid leaking from his ear. At one point the bully smashed his head off the cafeteria table until he passed out. Blake spent five days in the hospital and may require further surgery to repair damage to his ear.

“Bullying is an epidemic in this country,” says Barnes. “And like rape, it often goes under-reported.”

Because of the level of violence and lack of participation by school officials, Blake’s story is one that received national attention. Unfortunately, though, it is not atypical. The Bully Project, estimates that this year alone over 13 million American kids will be bullied at school, at home, on the bus and on their phones and computers. 3 million students are absent each month because they feel unsafe at school, and 1 in 4 teachers sees nothing wrong with bullying – taking the attitude that it is simply ‘kids being kids’, only intervening 4% of the time.

“What happened to Blake Kitchen could just as easily have happened here in Northeast PA,” Barnes cautions. “In fact, it has on a number of occasions. Blake Kitchen is us, is our children – I had to reach out to him and let him know that he isn’t alone.”

To that end, Barnes imparted the story and information to his students and their families, encouraging them to make and write cards and letters of encouragement. Barnes Martial Arts students and their families rallied to the cause by the dozens, contributing letters and cards signed by multiple students across different classes. Barnes broadcast the message on Facebook, by email and even going so far as to post online to the group page of the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation, of which he and the Studio are members. This resulted in even more cards and letters being sent from all over the United States and as far away as England and Australia.

     “If by doing this we can bring a 12 year old boy a small ray of hope and peace, and perhaps shine a light on the epic problem of bullying, then I’d say we have done a good thing.” Barnes says, “Bullying, in a very real sense, is what initially brought me to the Martial Arts, and bully prevention has been one of the driving focuses of my Studio. In order to do our part, we have either partnered with or utilize material developed by several leading experts in the field – Dave Kovar of Martial Artists Against Bullying and his groundbreaking Done with Bullying program; Tom Callos of the 100method; The Bully Project, among several others. We are very serious about confronting this issue, and while we could not prevent what happened to Blake, by writing to him we can let him know that the whole world isn’t like the person who victimized him.”

“Every month the Studio engages in a Kindness Mission, a group project designed to balance the physical techniques, the self-defense aspects of the Martial Arts with compassion, respect, and community outreach. Because of the experiences that have informed my life’s work, this card and letter campaign is one of the most personal for me,” Barnes continued. “More importantly, though, our students – everyone from four year olds to adults – saw the value and really stepped up. We have a truly amazing group of people here. Entire families got involved. A space was created to open up a dialogue on the nature of bullying and its far-reaching effects. Our school motto is ‘Out of the Dojo, Into the World’ and the students really rose to that. I couldn’t be prouder; they are making a quite difference in their communities and schools."

(A few of Barnes Martial Arts Little Dragons (ages 4-7) and their Cards for bullying victim Blake Kitchen. From left to right: Evan Harchar, Brayden Isaacs, Noah Gray. Missing from photo: McKena Harlen)

(Barnes Martial Arts Students Emma Lewis (l) and Barbara Lewis (r) and the cards they made for Blake Kitchen)

(Barnes Martial Arts Junior Students and the cards they made for bullying victim, Blake Kitchen. Kneeling, left to right: Michael Bonk, Jakr Ranieli, Ethan Edwards. Back row: Master Gary R. Barnes. Missing from photo: Sarah Feifer)

VIDEO -- Martial Arts for Kids, Forty Fort, PA

A video from the Barnes Martial Arts YouTube Channel ... Junior student, Jake Ranieli shows the heavy bag who is boss.

Barnes Martial Arts is the area leader in teaching kids confidence ... respect ... discipline ... and focus.

If you or your child has ever wanted to try Martial Arts, NOW is the time. Please call today for a FREE TRIAL ... (570) 332-4377

http://youtu.be/lgKw0v-9JdU

It Isn't Just the Kids ... The Bully at the Blackboard

I believe that the majority of teachers are dedicated, considerate, sympathetic individuals. 

As student to teacher ratios increase, faced with a wide variety of student personalities, and often fighting an entrenched bureaucracy that is frequently more concerned about money than people, their job can be thankless.

I have good friends who are/were public school teachers; they are on the whole decent, caring people. After speaking with them about situations they have encountered I completely understand how they can be under a tremendous amount of stress.

However, I have also personally had several experiences with teachers who were ... less than pleasant. One, a gym teacher, stood by and observed as I was beat up by another student; another, an Algebra teacher, openly and repeatedly ridiculed me in front of the class (and, as you have learned in class, two of the requirements for bullying are that an action or behavior be repeated and have bad intentions). Perhaps I will cover those specific incidents in greater depth in another article, but those experiences opened my eyes to the fact that even people in whom we -- and our children -- routinely place our trust can be bullies, and be abusive.

Physical bullying is fairly easy to spot -- black eyes, bumps and bruises. Emotional and psychological abuse -- repeated name calling, insults, character assassination, even sexual harassment -- on the other hand, can be far more subtle. Too many children are already silent about being bullied by their peers; when such treatment comes from an authority figure, the matter may be seen as totally "undiscussable". 

Our kids spend a minimum of 8 hours a day out of our sight when they are at school. We need to know they are safe.

I have provided several links to articles about incidents where teachers abused their authority. The articles also contain tips and suggestions about what can be done if such behavior occurs. 

The bottom line, in my opinion, though ... is that we need to keep open lines of communication with our children. Talk to them.

Barnes Martial Arts mission is to eradicate bullying behavior in ALL of its ugly forms. 


http://www.greatschools.org/parenting/bullying/5063-when-the-teacher-is-the-bully.gs?page=all

http://bullying.about.com/od/Victims/a/10-Ways-To-Respond-To-A-Teacher-Who-Bullies.htm

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/tween-catches-bully-teacher-on-tape-234052398.html

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/teachers-who-bully?page=3

On Bullies

Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers University; jumped to his death from the George Washington bridge … Larry Weinberg, 17, of Trenton, NJ hung himself with a leather belt … Jessica Logan, 18, Sycamore High School student asphyxiated herself … Jessica Train, 15, a pupil at Monkseaton High School in North Tyneside, Wallsend, England hanged herself … Phoebe Prince, a 15-year-old South Hadley High School student hanged herself ... Hope Witsell, 13, a student at Beth Shields Middle School in Ruskin, FL, hanged herself from her bunk bed … 14 year old Samantha Kelly of New Boston, Michigan and a student at Huron High School in southwest Detroit, hanged herself … Jamarcus Bell, 14, a freshman at Hamilton Southeastern High School, Fishers, IN took his own life … Asher Brown, 13, of Cypress, TX and a student at Hamilton Middle school in Houston shot himself with his father's handgun.

All of these kids were bullied by their peers, or subjected to harassment at the hands of classmates. All are dead as a result of this treatment. Unfortunately, they are just a few of the hundreds that have taken their own lives in recent years. Boys and girls alike are equally bullied.

Make no mistake: It is not a rite of passage. 

It is not "kids being kids."

And it is leading to tragedy in numbers greater than ever before. We cannot and should not expect kids to “just suck it up.” 

When speaking with school children about bullies and bullying, and how the study of Martial Arts contains specific benefits not found elsewhere, I use a personal story to illustrate my point.

My story.  

Upon graduating high school -- where I, like the kids above, had been tormented mercilessly -- I thought I had finally left my problems behind me. I thought I was free. 

That turned out not to be the case. 

My father had secured a job for me in the garage of a local trucking company run by one of his friends. It was my first real job, and one of my responsibilities was to fuel the big trucks as they came in to the lot. Late one afternoon a driver, agitated from some problem that occurred on the road, decided to vent his anger on the nearest available person … me. I do not recall the exact details of the argument that followed, but I do remember vividly that as the exchange became heated he hit me – a solid open-handed blow across the side of my head that sent me reeling. I also remember the rage that came over me, brought about by years of similar treatment in school. I was overcome by tears of frustration. But this was a trucking company, where “Real Men” don’t cry; and he laughed. 

That was all it took.

I blindly hit back. At the time it didn’t register that I had probably made a huge mistake, since – like many bullies -- he was substantially larger. Fists flew from both sides and it took several of the other workers to separate us and finally remove me to the front parking lot … more for my safety than his. 

My head spun as much from the sudden flood of memories as from the trucker’s slap. It was as if I was back in school. I could not live like this any longer. If I didn’t do something – now – I was condemning myself to being a lifelong victim. Within half an hour I was on the phone with the only Martial Arts studio near where I lived. I made an appointment that would change my life.

Upon meeting the man who was to become my instructor, I was intimidated. A stern taskmaster, he possessed all the charm and demeanor of a drill sergeant. I nearly walked out the building, not recognizing much difference between his actions and the actions of those who had tormented me. Yet, as I watched the class, I was riveted. I was determined to join. 

I wanted revenge; I wanted to be tougher. And I knew -- I knew -- this was the way to achieve it. I made my decision and enrolled.

The training was harsh – the toughest thing I had ever done in my life – sometimes even brutal. Today most Martial Arts studios are well-lit, air-conditioned, carpeted affairs and family-friendly. This studio and this specific instructor, however, were decidedly “old school.” The bare wooden floors had no padding; there was no ventilation, and it smelled like the stale sweat of ages of rigorous training sessions. The instructor's overriding philosophy basically boiled down to this: “Punish the body to strengthen the heart and the mind.” The regimen was intense and grueling, the pace insane. More often than not I would arrive home with my body a mass of bruises and swollen parts. My mother took one look at me and asked, “You actually pay someone to do this to you?” My only answer was, “I have to.”

One exceptionally hot summer day early in my training, the sensei closed all of the windows and turned on the heat. It was the middle of August, and outside the streets of our small town baked in the heat. He pushed us to our body’s very limits, drilling us mercilessly in basic kicks, punches, and blocks. People began to drop. One became sick. Several others, who could go no further, sat on a bench reserved for spectators. With no air conditioning or fan to cool us, the temperature was in the high eighties when we started, but must have soared to 110 degrees in the training room. Cruel? Maybe. Unhealthy? Most definitely. Unthinkable in this more warm and fuzzy era? Absolutely. One didn’t pay much attention to the possibility of dehydration or heat stroke in those days. Yet such severe training forged my will and my discipline like steel. Through the sweat, sore muscles, aches, pain and blood I grew stronger. 

I was building my arsenal. Remember that phrase; it will be important soon.

A year or two later I performed in a Fourth of July karate demonstration at Tunkhannock Area High School, the very scene of much of my torment. By sheer coincidence, sitting in the audience  was the trucker whose slap had been the catalyst that sent me on this path. I had since moved on from the job at the trucking company and, though I never really forgot about him I went on with my life, putting my thoughts of revenge into a dusty corner of my mind.

It was a bright day; hot and full of sunshine. During my part of the demonstration I was scheduled to break several cinder slabs with kicks and punches. The segment culminated with me using my head to shatter two that were stacked one atop the other. Head breaks are always crowd pleasers when they work (and comically gruesome when they don’t) and that one went off exactly as planned. The audience loved it and I thought nothing further of it, until days later when I engaged in conversation with a woman who had a mutual friendship with the aforementioned truck driver and me. She let me know that she had been speaking with him and asked if, having seen my performance, he would want to slap me now. He emphatically said “No.” 

At that moment I realized that I had changed, that I was no longer the kind of person who would be a victim to anyone. To this day, I don’t think that trucker knows or understands how large a compliment he paid me; for without throwing a single punch or kick at him, without resorting to violence of any kind, I had, in a fashion, earned his respect. 

The point is: It was not breaking the cinder slabs that made the difference in his thinking; it was my change in attitude, my perception of who and what I was. I had grown stronger mentally as well as physically, and it showed in the way I walked and carried myself. My head was held high, my shoulders squared. CHARACTER – who you are -- I tell the children in my seminars, is the essence of the Martial Arts, and it makes all of the difference in the world. It was the key weapon in the arsenal I mentioned previously. The arsenal, I discovered, was filled with as many mental weapons as physical.

Bullying is an epidemic in this country, and indeed, the world. It is, however, too often a "silent epidemic" as many kids are reluctant to speak with parents or school officials; this may be due to shame, embarrassment, having been threatened, or fear of being seen as a squealer.  

There is an alternative to taking one’s own life; there is a pathway out of the darkness. While Martial Arts were my chosen path, I respect that may not be the way for everyone. Every child is unique, and for every child there is a unique answer. Through education, kids who are bullied must be made aware that there is hope. 

Before we can find the answers we must ask the right questions of our children. We must step up and accept responsibility for our kids, even during the times they claim not to want our help. As parents, educators, authority figures we must open our eyes to the problem and take away some of its power by shining a light on it. We must get involved. 

Scattering the shadows, real or perceived, means that the abuse is no longer suffered in secrecy.

(This article first appeared in a slightly altered form in the November 2010 edition of the “A Mindful Journey” blog. Copyright, November 20, 2010 by Gary R. Barnes. All rights reserved.)

More Than One Victim When It Comes to Bullies ...

Bullies affect ALL of us. 

The tragic story of Jeremiah Lasater is one that hammers home the reason why so much of our class discussion focuses on dealing with bullies. This is the first in an ongoing number of articles that will deal with this important, powerful subject. 

I know from personal experience that no one is immune to such treatment. It can happen to anyone and for any reason. We here in NEPA, are not immune; as recent stories on the evening news will attest, bullying happens all too frequently.

One of our goals is to instill an inner strength in our kids that discourages bullies. This, combined with education of the nature and effect of bullies and bullying, is but one step in dealing with, and hopefully eradicating, this epidemic.

Additionally, it is our duty as Martial Artists to step-up and help defend those who cannot, for whatever reason, defend themselves. That doesn’t necessarily mean fighting; but being a friend, a good listener, a helping hand.

http://www.npr.org/2014/01/31/268996343/when-jeremiah-couldnt-take-more-bullying-he-took-his-life