Are YOU a Bully? (Part ONE)

A great deal of time in our Studio is spent educating students on how to identifying bullies, understanding why people bully, how to properly respond to a bully, and even how to physically defend against a bully. 

One question that we address at Barnes Martial Arts that is frequently overlooked by most Martial Arts schools when speaking with their students is: "Are you a bully?" 

As educators we all want to believe that our own students are as pure as can be, that any threat to their classmates solely exists somewhere "out there". After all, no one would dare bully someone in a Martial Arts studio, would they? Sadly, although it is a very rare occurrence, that is, despite our best intentions, not always the case. The truth is bullies can exist wherever people interact. Disappointingly, over my 34 years in the Martial Arts I have unfortunately witnessed students bully others on the mats, in the dressing rooms, and in the parking lot outside the school. 

Barnes Martial Arts prides itself on being a "Bully-Free Zone", and I firmly believe that, thankfully, none of our students fits the profile, but it is wise, nonetheless, to address the issue as part of an overall program of preparedness. 

Bullying, as we are all aware, is a threat to the mental, physical, and psychological safety of children (and adults, for that matter); study after study has shown that the effects of bullying can last long after the behavior has stopped, even into adulthood (see: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1). 

So ... if you are a Martial Arts student (or parent of a student) and are unsure of whether you may be a bully at school or elsewhere, the following questions will help you reflect on your behavior and that of others around you. 

(1) DO I KNOW WHAT BULLYING IS ?

According to Center for Disease Control (CDC) guidelines, bullying is “any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) … that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” This dovetails with the definition that we use at the Studio, which comes from Master Dave Kovar's excellent organization, Martial Artists Against Bullying (http://donewithbullying.com) and their "Done With Bullying" program: "Bullying is when someone tries to deliberately hurt other people with words or actions. In order for something to truly be considered bullying, it must be intentional AND repetitive. Without these two words, anything could be labeled as bullying." 

(2) DO I DERIVE PLEASURE FROM WATCHING OR CAUSING OTHERS TO FAIL?

Bullies put people down in order to lift themselves up. They are trying to fit in and feel that bullying is the way to do it. They try to feel like more, by making others feel like less. If you like seeing classmates mess up a task, you will be less likely to be supportive of others’ successes and more inclined to ignore their feelings. 

(3) HOW IS MY LISTENING?

Do you listen carefully when people are talking or do you think mostly about how you will respond? When someone else is speaking, do you think to yourself (or say out loud): "Who cares? I just wish you'd shut up." Listening, with empathy and concern, is a good guard against bullying. Why is listening in this way important? Because, if you care about how your actions affect others, you are less likely to act in a way that hurts them.

(4) DO I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS TOUGH? 

How important to you is that your reputation is one of dominance and strength? If your reputation is largely built around your perceived strength over others, that is a serious problem. You are more likely to put yourself above them. Despite what a bully may believe, physically exerting oneself, hurting others, pushing, shoving, hitting, threatening violence, to get what you want is not a sign of toughness. On the contrary, it is an indicator of both fear, and a weakness of character.

Remember, true strength is measured in honesty, respect, confidence, trustworthiness, kindness, and compassion.

(5) DO I EXERCISE POWER OVER OTHERS JUST BECAUSE I CAN?

Sometimes bullies have an attitude that they call all the shots, that others must listen to them and do what they say or suffer the bully's anger. Do you boss others around? Do you like the feeling that someone has to do what you say? This is a serious warning sign. A better behavior is to become a friend rather than a dictator. 

(6) DO I BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY, OR TREAT OTHERS DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY A PARENT, TEACHER, OR AUTHORITY FIGURE? 

If you call people names, push them, invade their personal space, insult them, or cause them embarrassment when you think no one is looking, that is bullying behavior. Many bullies are sneaky and will only act out when they think there is no chance of being caught. You may think that they are cowards for acting this way, but it is an indicator of manipulative behavior. Bullies will frequently act friendly with their victims in front of teachers or parents, only to harass or hurt them the minute the teacher is out of sight.

Fortunately, the Martial Arts studio is small enough that the Master Instructor, Junior Leaders, and others can observe most behavior at all times. 

(7) HOW IS MY SENSE OF HUMOR?

Everyone loves to laugh and have a good time. A good sense of humor can bring people together. But jokes that focus on reinforcing one's supposed superiority over someone else are harmful. Jokes about somebody’s race or ethnicity; a physical or mental disability; making fun of someone who cannot afford expensive clothing; or that exploit common stigmas such as being poor, wearing glasses, or any number of factors is unacceptable. Even if the person being joked about appears to be in on it, know that it can often be difficult for them and/or bystanders -- due to fear or embarrassment -- to call out unfunny and mean jokes. They may laugh to mask the pain. And because determining that can be difficult , it is best to avoid inappropriate humor altogether.

A bully listens only for the laugh and derives pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others. 

(8) AM I A CYBER BULLY?

Before you send that Facebook message, or post that tweet, consider three important

rules of online social interaction:

1. Don’t say anything in writing you would not -- or should not -- say in person.

2. Remember it is hard to determine tone, intention, humor, or sarcasm in text form. 

3. Do not ever post someone else’s words or images without his/her permission. There is a saying that "The Internet is forever". What you post as a joke today, can cause someone pain for years. 

(9) HOW DO I SOLVE PROBLEMS? 

It’s inevitable -- and normal -- that you will eventually have problems with other people. Bullies may often avoid respectful solutions -- like discussion -- to problems; relying instead on force or control. They may manipulate others against the victim; they may be aggressive; or they may put others down if they don't get their way. Sometimes the insult may be spoken behind someone’s back, but it still establishes destructive behaviors by influencing other and possibly turning them against the bully's target.

It requires bravery and honesty -- characteristics that many bullies lack -- to deal with a problem directly. Bullies look for the easy way out: violence, threats, non-communication.

(10) DO I PERSUADE OR COERCE?

One can be can be assertive and well-spoken in one's point of view without resorting to manipulation or games to get what one wants. If you think that somebody is wrong or your idea is better, be persuasive, but not coercive. Persuasive means saying, "I think I have a good idea and here are the reasons that we might want to consider it." Coercion says, "We are going to do things my way ... or else."

Only a bully uses force or threats to get their way. Instead, be confident enough to be clear with your side of things and kind and open enough to listen to others’ views. The best ideas should win, not just yours.

If any of these questions made you pause and think about how you treat others, consider speaking with your parents or reaching out to a teacher.

It is never to late to make your life bully-free ... even if the bully is us.

Cards & Letters for Blake Kitchen

This is a copy of an article I submitted to the local news media. I felt that our Studio did a good thing for Blake Kitchen; it came from the heart. We didn't do it to seek publicity. But after much consideration, I wrote this article for two reasons: (1) I am proud of each and every student who took valuable time away from their own lives to encourage and support a boy whom none of us know personally, but who just as easily could have been one of us. You are the future of Martial Arts ... not just in Northeast, PA but anywhere you go. It is nice knowing that the future will be one of  not just fighting skills but compassion, respect and community involvement; and (2) to highlight the tragedy of bullying. As I said in the article, bullying is an epidemic in this country; it affects millions of people of all ages, races, economic backgrounds and from all walks of life. Having experienced bullying in my youth, that breaks my heart.

Thank you for reading and, of course, please feel free to respond with your thoughts and comments. -- Master Gary R. Barnes

FORTY FORT MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO ORGANIZES CARD AND LETTER CAMPAIGN FOR BULLYING VICTIM

(FORTY FORT) What was it about an incident of bullying that occurred 900 miles away in Liberty, Missouri that motivated a Martial Arts instructor from NEPA to mobilize his students and their families to write cards and letters in support of the victim?
“When I was young I was bullied, too, mercilessly. I have students who were bullied. I personally know victims of bullying. So when I read Blake’s story on March 7, my heart went out to him,” says Master Gary R. Barnes, owner of Barnes Martial Arts in Forty Fort. “Like Blake, other victims of bullying – myself and some of my students included – know all too well what it is like to live in fear and to have those fears ignored by school administrators, who should know better. His experience deeply moved me.”

Blake Kitchen is a 12 year old sixth grader with Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism) at Liberty Middle School who was severely beaten by a school bully. The incident occurred when Blake arrived at school for breakfast. He took his usual spot in the cafeteria when another boy – an 8^th grader who at 200 pounds outweighed Blake by nearly 125 pounds – moved his belongings and took his seat. When Blake asked him to move, the other boy responded violently. The beating was so bad that it left him with a broken jaw, fractured skull, cuts and contusions and cerebrospinal fluid leaking from his ear. At one point the bully smashed his head off the cafeteria table until he passed out. Blake spent five days in the hospital and may require further surgery to repair damage to his ear.

“Bullying is an epidemic in this country,” says Barnes. “And like rape, it often goes under-reported.”

Because of the level of violence and lack of participation by school officials, Blake’s story is one that received national attention. Unfortunately, though, it is not atypical. The Bully Project, estimates that this year alone over 13 million American kids will be bullied at school, at home, on the bus and on their phones and computers. 3 million students are absent each month because they feel unsafe at school, and 1 in 4 teachers sees nothing wrong with bullying – taking the attitude that it is simply ‘kids being kids’, only intervening 4% of the time.

“What happened to Blake Kitchen could just as easily have happened here in Northeast PA,” Barnes cautions. “In fact, it has on a number of occasions. Blake Kitchen is us, is our children – I had to reach out to him and let him know that he isn’t alone.”

To that end, Barnes imparted the story and information to his students and their families, encouraging them to make and write cards and letters of encouragement. Barnes Martial Arts students and their families rallied to the cause by the dozens, contributing letters and cards signed by multiple students across different classes. Barnes broadcast the message on Facebook, by email and even going so far as to post online to the group page of the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation, of which he and the Studio are members. This resulted in even more cards and letters being sent from all over the United States and as far away as England and Australia.

     “If by doing this we can bring a 12 year old boy a small ray of hope and peace, and perhaps shine a light on the epic problem of bullying, then I’d say we have done a good thing.” Barnes says, “Bullying, in a very real sense, is what initially brought me to the Martial Arts, and bully prevention has been one of the driving focuses of my Studio. In order to do our part, we have either partnered with or utilize material developed by several leading experts in the field – Dave Kovar of Martial Artists Against Bullying and his groundbreaking Done with Bullying program; Tom Callos of the 100method; The Bully Project, among several others. We are very serious about confronting this issue, and while we could not prevent what happened to Blake, by writing to him we can let him know that the whole world isn’t like the person who victimized him.”

“Every month the Studio engages in a Kindness Mission, a group project designed to balance the physical techniques, the self-defense aspects of the Martial Arts with compassion, respect, and community outreach. Because of the experiences that have informed my life’s work, this card and letter campaign is one of the most personal for me,” Barnes continued. “More importantly, though, our students – everyone from four year olds to adults – saw the value and really stepped up. We have a truly amazing group of people here. Entire families got involved. A space was created to open up a dialogue on the nature of bullying and its far-reaching effects. Our school motto is ‘Out of the Dojo, Into the World’ and the students really rose to that. I couldn’t be prouder; they are making a quite difference in their communities and schools."

(A few of Barnes Martial Arts Little Dragons (ages 4-7) and their Cards for bullying victim Blake Kitchen. From left to right: Evan Harchar, Brayden Isaacs, Noah Gray. Missing from photo: McKena Harlen)

(Barnes Martial Arts Students Emma Lewis (l) and Barbara Lewis (r) and the cards they made for Blake Kitchen)

(Barnes Martial Arts Junior Students and the cards they made for bullying victim, Blake Kitchen. Kneeling, left to right: Michael Bonk, Jakr Ranieli, Ethan Edwards. Back row: Master Gary R. Barnes. Missing from photo: Sarah Feifer)