Self-Defense is Found in the Simple Things

At Barnes Martial Arts, we teach self-defense -- but not like other Martial Arts studios. We teach that self-defense -- real self-defense, genuine self-defense -- transcends the physical; it is more than knowing how to kick or punch, or wrestle someone on the ground. Yes, we teach our students -- adults and children -- how to physically, effectively protect themselves from dangerous people and situations. What kind of school would we be if we did not? But we also teach that when it comes to safety, escape is nearly always the first, best choice; fighting is a last resort. Using verbal techniques and body language to reduce or deescalate incidences of potential violence is another area we address.

 Since "self-defense" forms the greatest part of our curriculum, we have an inherent responsibility to our students, their families, our community, and to our own integrity to ensure their protection in any area of their lives. 

If all one knows is mayhem and physical violence, they may be a "fighter" (and I harbor personal doubts even about that), but they are not a Martial Artist. Real Martial Arts balances the efforts of the body, with practices of the mind and heart. Just as important, therefore, we teach that self-defense is found in the simplest of things.

Fitness may be the ultimate self-defense for the body. Unfortunately it may also be the most overlooked. Martial Arts can be part of an overall healthy lifestyle; but ... you can take the most effective, deadly, infallible, butt-kicking art on the planet ( is there such a thing?) and put in to hands of an obese, out-of-shape, unfit, can-barely-move individual and it becomes virtually useless. Like a high-performance or luxury car, the human body requires a continuous supply of high-quality fuel (see Good Food, below) and oxygen to keep running at maximum efficiency. If you put in cheap, low-grade fuel, there is a good chance both will become sluggish or break down. The difference is if the car breaks down you can get a new one ... the only body you will ever have is the one you were born with, so it benefits you to defend it properly. Like the red lights on your car's dashboard, pay attention to the signals your body is sending -- pain, weakness, fever, nausea, etc. A little preventative maintenance can save, and is preferable to, a ton of after-care. At Barnes Martial Arts we suggest regular exercise -- a minimum of 30 minutes/day, 3 days/week (Martial Arts are great exercise .. hint, hint); get plenty of sleep; eat healthy -- avoid sugar, excessive alcohol, fried and highly processed foods; and drink plenty of fresh, clean water. Just as taking care of your automobile can ensure that it runs in top condition for many years and hundreds of thousands of miles, smartly keeping your body fit leads to a longer, more pleasant, productive life. 

Kindness, for example; kindness is a beautiful form of self-defense. Kindness, without expectation of reward, payment or even personal benefit, is self-defense for the heart and soul. It is our studio philosophy that if we want a kinder world, we must all be an active part of the solution. It is not enough to "talk the talk", we must "walk the walk". Accordingly, we instruct students to take our lessons "Out of the Dojo, Into the World".

Good food --and the appreciation of it; there’s a fine, fine kind of self-defense. Our Western diet -- highly processed, full of artificial flavors, colors and preservatives, and high in sodium, fat and calories -- is killing us. We lead the world in chronic obesity, diabetes and heart disease. Therefore, clean healthy eating, mindfulness of what goes into our bodies, and an emphasis on fresh, wholesome vegetables, fruits and lean protein, will do as much -- perhaps more -- to protect us from harm than knowing how to punch someone in the face.

Oh, and how about love of community? Participation in --and love for --one’s community is a kind of self-defense that’s impossible to put a value on. Why? Because we're all in this Life together and only for a relatively short time. Two of the definitions of community are: (A) "a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals", and (B) "a group of interdependent organisms of different species growing or living together in a specified habitat". By getting along, seeking out similarities and establishing common ground, by promoting peace and harmony, and helping one another, instead of constantly being at loggerheads because of perceived differences, we benefit ourselves and future generations. 

And my favorite kind of self-defense, by far, is found in a simple rule, The Golden Rule: "Treat others as you would want them to treat you." The reasons why this is important should be obvious.

Simple. And simply perfect.

At Barnes Martial Arts, we like Tom Callos’ (www.tomcallos.com) description of self-defense too: “Self-defense isn’t only about personal protection, it’s about taking care of the people around you and the place you live as well.”

And of course, self-defense training at our Studio is all you already imagined it to be, but with this particular attitude about it, self-defense becomes about living a good life. What a great idea.

For information about our school and self-defense lessons for today’s world, check us out on Facebook (here), contact us at barnesmartialarts@yahoo.com or give us a shout at (570) 332-4377. (CREDIT: This post was inspired by and adapted from the writings of my mentor, Tom Callos, of the100.me (here) and the Ultimate Black Belt Test (here). Thank you, Tom, for your wisdom, insight, and continuing guidance.).

Not Everyone Gets a Trophy ... or a Black Belt

"I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best … cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better … not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut you up and keep you happy." -- James Harrison, linebacker, Pittsburgh Steelers, social media post, August 15, 2015

     Somehow, somewhere along the line in what -- I would like to believe -- was a probably sincere but ultimately misguided effort to protect the supposedly fragile self-esteem of our children, our culture went off the rails to ensure that they not only never lose, but also never feel the sting of disappointment.

     I first personally awakened to this lamentable trend years ago while competing in regional karate tournaments. In fact, it is one of the reasons I retired from, and withdrew my studio from competing. In these tournaments, every participant would receive a trophy, regardless of their level of performance. At the time, I was primarily focused on my own performance and did not think much of it and, therefore, said nothing. Later, when I had students of my own entered into competition, the idea didn't sit well with me. Of course, the promoter referred to these smaller trophies as "participation trophies" but the implication was clear -- "there are no losers here; everyone is a winner."

     I am sorry, but that just isn't life. I get why the promoters did it -- no one enjoys losing, or seeing kids lose, or dealing with the subsequent tears and disappointment. But those excuses don't make it right; they foster a sense of entitlement and a narcissistic belief that the world owes you something "just because". As harsh as it sounds, in life there are winners and losers; life owes us precisely nothing. 

     It was not until I attended another tournament -- one in which I was officiating but not competing -- that I realized just how ludicrous the situation had become. Unlike the first tournament, where the "participation trophies" were noticeably smaller than those of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd-place winners, these were nearly all uniform in size, separated by mere fractions of an inch.

     What in the world was going on here? As if nearly equal-sized trophies alone were not enough to boggle the mind, what I experienced next left me positively reeling. In the pre-competition officials' meeting it was revealed by the promoter that they had had some "unpleasant experiences" in years past with a few younger competitors who "noticed the difference" in size of their trophies ("participation trophies", mind you) versus those of the winners. So, in order to "minimize negative feelings", they minimized the size differences. 
     I, for one, thought this was patently ridiculous and this time I voiced my opinion. 
     Astoundingly to me, as it turned out, I was in the minority. Judging by the number of nodding heads, the overwhelming majority of ring judges and event officials -- all experienced Black Belts and school owners -- were in agreement. 
     I could only shake my head, mystified.

     This attitude is not, by any means, restricted to the Martial Arts. A quick Google search reveals that the practice goes on in soccer, football, baseball, and dance and gymnastics. T-ball, basketball, volleyball and lacrosse are a few other sports in which the Powers-That-Be have indulged their participants. 
     In caving to pressure exerted by certain coddled players and their petulant parents, some schools have gone so far as to eliminate keeping score in sports for certain age groups.

     If there is no score, why bother competing? In fact, if one does not keep score there is no competition -- there is only exhibition; there is no real test of skill. Who puts forth their best, prolonged effort just to show off? 

     It isn't only sports and physical disciplines, either. In one article, an elementary school gave out "Honor Student" awards alphabetically, but that wasn't good enough for one parent who complained that his daughter's last name assured that she would always go last, and that "was hardly fair".
     Another article detailed how two Kansas school districts refuse to allow any student to score lower than a "C", ensuring that no one ever fails.
     One study, published in the Teacher's College Record, indicated that a staggering 86% of private college students get nothing lower than a "B". 

     The list goes on. 
     And on. 

   

     Is this what we have become as a society? As a culture? Have we become such monumental cry-babies that no one is allowed to excel if we can't? Must everything be equal? Why bother learning problem-solving skills, if there are never to be obstacles to begin with?

     Life isn't "equal". 
     Life isn't "fair". 
     Nor, in my estimation, is it meant to be. Both qualities are human constructs, by the way -- Life itself is neither "fair/unfair" or "equal/unequal"; Life just ... is. 

     The sooner we abandon political correctness and acclimate ourselves to Life's inherent "inequality" and "unfairness", the better off we -- and our kids -- will be. 
     The truth is: when everybody wins, nobody wins. When everyone wins a trophy it diminishes the efforts of those who truly work to excel. 
     More and more it appears we wish to avoid allowing our kids to fall down, to learn from the pain of scraped knees or bad grades or -- oh no!! -- losing. 

     This shouldn't happen, especially in Martial Arts, the whole history of which has always been predicated upon individual effort.

In martial Arts, though we often engage with training partners, no one puts forth your effort but you; no one reaps the benefit of your skill development but you.

     At Barnes Martial Arts, belts are earned, not given. We will never promote a student to any Belt, let alone Black Belt, who has not done the requisite work,

put forth the necessary effort. No one gets a Black Belt just because they "showed up".

     Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you lose more often than you win even if you are good at something. Babe Ruth, by way of example, the New York Yankee who once held the record for the most career home runs, also held the record for most strike outs at bat. 

     Losing is good for you. 
     So is failing. 
     They teach you to deal with disappointment. Overcoming loss and failure allows you to develop a sense of humility; it sharpens your resolve. Strength and resilience are built through adversity. If one never loses, how are they going to learn to come back from that, and try again?

     The real questions, though, aren't whether we are winners or losers, but have we improved since yesterday? Are we still moving forward? That is real winning.

     In conclusion, I leave you with two quotes; the first is from a man I greatly admire; the second is from one of my favorite movies.“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in 2 ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength” – H.H. Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life.” 
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

   

       

Black Belt Parenting -- Attendance: A Key to Success

Consistent class attendance is the biggest contributing factor to success!

Discipline ... respect ... improved focus ... resistance to negative peer pressure ... standing up to bullies ... increased confidence and self-esteem ... a solid work ethic ... personal responsibility ... kindness ... compassion ... the list of benefits from Martial Arts training for students of all ages is nearly endless!!  

     However, students cannot reap those benefits if they aren't in the classroom; therefore, one of the most fundamental things your child can do to achieve Black Belt success is also one of the most crucial: attending class.  

     By establishing that attendance at the Studio is a priority, you are taking an important step in supporting your child's success, not only in Martial Arts but in Life, as well as setting a good example. While we would LOVE to see every child attend on a daily basis, we understand that this is not always possible and, therefore, recommend a minimum of two classes per week – three would be optimal!!

     As in their regular school, where research has shown that attendance may be the biggest factor influencing a child's academic success, progress through the Martial Arts ranks – as well as attaining a host of connected mental benefits – has a direct correlation to how often they come to class.

Benefits of Regular Attendance

By attending class regularly, your child will keep up with the daily/weekly lessons and assignments, and take Stripe and Belt tests on time.

     


There are other benefits as well:

• Achievement: Students who regularly attend class are more likely to have the discipline to commit to and complete other activities in their life than students who didn't attend regularly.

• Opportunity: Being at the Studio several times a week affords students an opportunity to engage with a wide variety of people, maximize their social skills, and – for older students – opens the potential to assume leadership rolls within the school.

• Being part of the school community: Just by being present at the Studio, your child is learning valuable life and social skills, working on Kindness Missions, learning the importance of respect, discipline, focus, awareness, teamwork, compassion and developing a broader world view.

• The importance of education: Your commitment to class attendance will also send a message to your child that the value of Martial Arts education is a priority for your family; going to the Studio is a critical part of success, and that it's important to take your responsibilities seriously — including finishing those things which you start. 

What You Can Do When Your Child Misses Class

     So what happens when your child needs to miss school due to a medical appointment or family trip? Sometimes these situations can't be avoided. In such cases:

• Contact the Studio Immediately -- Talk with the instructor to make sure your child doesn't fall behind on any of the lessons that he/she missed.

• Judge These Situations Carefully --  Attendance is a policy that we take seriously. Unlike your child’s regular school, where unexcused absences go on a permanent record, the consequences of missing class at the Studio can include falling behind on lessons, missing Stripe and Belt tests that will put them behind their classmates, and an overall decline in performance. 

• Help Your Child get to the Studio on Time every day -- Babysitting, problems with a car, bus, or the weather are all understandable issues. But frequently coming to class late develops bad habits that may manifest in other areas, and it is distracting to the classes already in progress. Frequent tardiness often leads to lack of motivation, and will make it difficult for your child to stay caught up with the lessons of each class. Reinforce the Black Belt Attitude of Self-Discipline by teaching your child how to set and use an alarm clock, and to avoid distractions like the television, computer or video games prior to leaving for class.

• Follow the Studio’s Guidelines and Attendance Policy --  Upon enrollment in our Studio, each student receives (usually by email) a copy of a Technique Manual for their age-group, and a Student Handbook that clearly outlines the rules of etiquette at the Studio (our expectation for a student’s behavior) and our Attendance Policy. Periodically reviewing the Student Handbook with your child throughout their training, explaining the rules and answering any questions they may have, reinforces their commitment and  allows them to fully understand what is expected of them.

• Check Homework – Yes, we give homework – in the form of Kindness Missions, new techniques, katas, basics, etc. Students – especially children – should practice at home as well as in the Studio. This builds positive habits and a strong work ethic, but also helps place the responsibility for their success or failure squarely in their own hands. Each night after class, check to see that your child understands and completes the day's assignments. Home practice also tends to build enthusiasm, especially when directed by a caring, encouraging parent. 

• Take an Active Role – At our Studio, parents are more than just spectators; we value your feedback. We also request your participation in helping your child to practice at home, as well as carry out Kindness Missions, and attend special lessons and classes ... but most of all, we urge you to encourage your child in pursuit of their success. While constructive criticism has its place in developing superior technique, we encourage you to be a “good-finder”. Celebrate the little goals along the way – not just the Stripe and Belt tests, but praise their performance in class. Stay involved with your child's experiences at the Studio by asking them how class went, and then listening carefully to what they share with you — both the successes and struggles. Make it a point to meet and regularly speak with your child's instructor. 

• Locate Potential Sources of Anxiety -- Kids frequently use the excuse that “I’m bored” to avoid attending class, even when there may be a deeper underlying issue. If your child frequently appears upset or reluctant to attend class and cannot tell you why, schedule an appointment with the instructor to discuss possible sources of the anxiety.

• Keep Updated on Studio Events and Announcements -- Read the documents that your child brings home, take note of important announcements and dates, watch the calendar, keep up with the Studio Facebook page, YouTube channel, and online blog. There are a ton of interesting, exciting and motivational activities going on at the Studio. 

• Try to Limit the Amount of Time Your Child Misses Class due to Medical Appointments or Illness – Whenever possible, avoid scheduling doctor's appointments during class time. Allow your child to stay home only in the case of contagious or severe illnesses. Exercise, including Martial Arts, is excellent for strengthening the body's immune system. 

• Keep Your Child's Attendance Schedule in Mind When Planning Extended Vacations – Everyone needs an occasional break from the pressures of daily life. Bear in mind, however, that any time away from the Studio will have an effect on not only the quality of one’s training, but on progression through the ranks. In the case of family vacations, nonattendance due to medical circumstances, or extended absences, talk to the instructor as far in advance as possible and, together, you may be able to set up a way that your child might incorporate practice into their time away.

• Plan Ahead -- Encourage your child to prepare for class by laying out their uniform and belt the night before. This speeds up the process of getting ready, develops the habit of personal responsibility and helps avoid excuses of “I forgot my belt” or “I left my uniform at home.”

• Promote Good Health – Martial Arts is part of an overall healthy way of life. Above and beyond the value of learning practical self-defense, our ongoing anti-bully message and Acts of Kindness, Martial Arts workouts build muscle and burn fat and calories. Diabetes and obesity have reached epidemic proportions in this country, even – perhaps, especially – among children. Heart disease is among the top killers of American men and women. An increasingly sedentary lifestyle combined with a voracious consumption of greasy, fat and sodium-laden fast foods, is proving deadly to us. At Barnes Martial Arts, we feel that it is our duty to show that REAL self-defense (“protecting ourselves from anything that would harm us”) goes beyond kicking, punching and grappling. It is a lifestyle that includes awareness of the substances and foods we put into our bodies. We urge our students to eat a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins, and to get plenty of fresh air. Through regular, consistent attendance at the Studio, your child has an opportunity to exercise every day – in an exciting, FUN manner!

• Create a restful environment. Finally, make sure that your child can relax before bedtime by doing something quiet like reading rather than do something stimulating, like watching television. Ensure that your child gets enough quality sleep — ideal amounts range from 8 to 12 hours. Getting enough sleep will help him/her get up on time, be refreshed in the morning, and feel ready for not only a full day of learning in school, but for their high-energy Martial Arts classes! 

In Conclusion ... 

Every student progresses at their own pace ... but they have to show up!!

     Students who frequently miss days – or even weeks – of training will find it difficult to maintain their enthusiasm for training and align their progression through the ranks with their peers. Prolonged absences are also difficult on parents, often leading to arguments. 

By making attendance a priority, you will be taking an important step in supporting your child's success, and setting a good example.

Remember — every class counts!

What is The Gratitude Project?

What is The Gratitude Project?

For several months I have been discussing my thoughts with various students for a community action team that we have, subsequently, come to call the The Gratitude Project. It began as a germ of an idea, a persistent notion that our Studio was/could be more than just a place where people learned to punch and kick and grapple, -- there are already so many schools that fulfill that basic need -- more than just another faceless business. I had this inspiring thought that because of what we teach – our focus on educating people on the deeper lessons of the Arts and of humanity and character -- that we are uniquely poised to bring something ... more ... to our community.

Over time and through meetings with students, parents and some very engaged community volunteers like Louise Keller of the Domoestic Violence service Center, the idea began to evolve and finally crystallize.

Now, I’d like to take a few moments of your time to clearly share what The Gratitude Project is ... its purpose and its goals.

Although hosted by/at the Studio, The Gratitude Project is a completely separate entity from our regular physical Martial Arts curriculum. It is – or will be – comprised of students, parents and members of the community at large who are interested in building a legacy of Kindness, compassion, giving, service and helping those in need.

We do it out of a sense of gratitude for being able to serve, and because it the right thing to do. 

Everyone has a cause that matters to them. Maybe it is related to cancer, diabetes, heart health or some other health-related issue ... maybe it is humanitarian efforts, like helping flood or earthquake victims ... maybe your cause has to do with animal rights ... or going green ... or helping to stop bullying in all of its forms.

Whatever your passion, we want to work with you on it, to do something as a Team – a project – that means something to you and we want you to do it with Excellence.

Want to raise food to feed local hungry families?

Help the Humane Society get supplies or toys for sheltered animals?

Help a neighbor with small household repairs?
Mow a lawn?

Shovel snow for the elderly (not now, of course, but, like, in the winter!!)?

Raise funds for a local charitable organization?

It doesn’t matter whether the cause is large or small, local or national in scope. If it is important to you, it is important to the The Gratitude Project. If every one of us did just one project that touched our hearts, imagine how much better our world would be. Now imagine if we put together a group of like-minded, dedicated people – people like YOU and me – who were committed to making that kind of involvement a regular part of their lives, to making Kindness and contribution a habit. Can you envision the difference they could make?

It seems that we always find the time to do the things we want to do, the FUN stuff – video games, sports, hanging with our friends. What if doing good things for others could be just as much fun?

NOW IT CAN!

Our vision is not to have boring, stuffy, dull meetings. Yes, we still teach and learn valuable leadership skills that carry into other areas of our lives (more on that in a bit) but we do it by getting together once or twice a month (maybe more, if a particular project requires) for a Gratitude Project party!! Think of it as a high-energy, fun-filled, positive, motivational atmosphere – with refreshments and exciting activities and exercises to develop teamwork and leadership!

The value of any Team is found in its members and in its mission. The Gratitude Project is designed to be an outlet where members identify a need or a cause; plan and design a project as a group; document each step through the use of video and the written word; and implement their project through direct action.

The Team revolves around Project Based Leadership – that is, we actively develop practical leadership skills that Team members can put into a portfolio or a resume and use in other endeavors like school, sports, or career. Beyond that, though, these are viable, hands-on skills that instill the values of contribution, kindness, giving back. As it grows and develops over time, The Gratitude Project will function to allow more experienced members to serve in a mentoring capacity; this is yet another skill our young people can carry forward in their lives.

As you can see, serving on the Project benefits the members as well as the community.  

This is an opportunity for students, parents and members of the community to get off the couch, turn off the TV or computer, come together and do something that has genuine meaning to them and create a forum to inspire people and make a real difference.

Lastly, what identifies a team as a team? A uniform, of course. That is why, as the Team grows and evolves, as the members knit together, we are eventually looking to provide t-shirts with our Team logo in order to unify us.

We would love for YOU to become a part of our Team.

PLEASE SEE MASTER BARNES IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY

Are YOU a Bully (Part TWO)?

Bullying hurts.

It is NOT a joke.

It is NOT just kids being kids.

Bullying is cruel and leaves scars.

Bullying behavior is LEARNED behavior.

Bullies DON’T just appear out of the blue.

Bullying IS violence.

The following are quotes from actual bully victims (for reasons of privacy, only first names are used where available):

"I don't want to go to school anymore. They make my life hell. No-one listens. I want to end it all" --  Ray, age 14

"It's been a very hard experience. The boys are the bad people. I don't care about them, and they're going to get the punishment they deserve," -- Austin, a 16 year old autistic high school student who was duct taped to a football goal post, abandoned, and screamed for 22 minutes until help finally arrived.

"There were times when I'd just sit outside by myself at recess, just sit outside and pick at the grass, because I felt like the world hated me." -- Trish, now 31 years old, was bullied throughout her middle and high school years. Her abuse ranged from kids calling her "Tissue" and wiping their noses on her clothing, to her "best friend" punching her, to even her cousins and sister forming a club they called "W.H.E.A.T." — "We Hate Everything About Trish"

"It makes me feel bad and rather depressed. Like I don't want to be a part of this world any more." -- Anonymous, age 13, victim of cyber-bullying.

"I got messages from people telling me to kill myself and saying that the world would be better off without me and that everybody hated me. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I lost all self esteem and became paranoid about people. I couldn't trust anyone because I found out that even some of the people who had been nice to me at a school had begun to send me abusive messages anonymously online,"  -- Natalie, age 15, whose bullying became so intense that she contemplated suicide.

"I was one of the odd ones out. The school did nothing." -- Sawyer, now 18, was punched in the back by a bully so hard that it brought him to his knees. Two days later, because of the pain, he was hospitalized; doctors informed him and his family that the punch likely caused the spinal blood clot which paralyzed him from the waist down.

"They make fun of my weight, and my clothes like they're pajamas. My class cut up my Tinkerbell shirt, now it has a big hole in it. I try to tell them to stop but they won't stop, they always push me down. It's really hard for me to take all that bullying. When they push me and make me sad and feel bad, it's really mean. I want to kill myself." -- Mariyah, age 7

I have included the quotes above, from the victims themselves in order to illustrate just how gravely serious the consequences of bullying can be. How severe does a behavior have to be that a 7 year old child thinks about taking their own life?

Part One of this series asked the hard question: "Are YOU a bully?"

I think it is important, before continuing, to read and then re-read the words of the victims. Because what a bully sees as "fun" can have devastating effects.

In light of the words of the victims, another sobering question must be asked: "Do you want to be the cause of someone's death?"

Bullying can kill, and has. Victims of bullying are 2-9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University. A study in Britain found that at least 50% of suicides among young people were related to bullying. The same study determined that 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide. According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying. Bully-related suicide -- which is so prevalent that it has been termed "bullycide" -- can be connected to any type of bullying, including physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyber-bullying, and sexting.

In “Are YOU a Bully (Part ONE)”, we explained that bullies may see their behavior as a way of being popular, or making themselves look tough and in charge.

As a refresher, here are a few more questions to consider in determining if you have ever behaved in a bullying manner.

Have you ever repeatedly:

• Called someone names?
• Physically hurt someone on purpose (hitting, kicking, punching etc)?
• Used your size to intimidate or threaten others?
• Made fun of people you perceive as different?
• Made fun of a person’s culture or religion?
• Laughed at someone because they have a disability?
• Said nasty things about another person’s weight, hair color, skin color or clothes?
• Taken someone else’s belongings?
• Damaged or destroyed someone else’s property?
• Spread rumors about someone?
• Said nasty things about someone behind their back?
• Purposely not invited someone to go out with you and your friends?
• Excluded someone from your group on purpose?
• Made someone cry on purpose?
• Sent someone nasty or threatening emails or texts?
• Posted mean or unkind comments about another person on a social networking site (Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, Facebook, etc)?
• Laughed at someone who is being picked on?
• Are you jealous of the person you are bullying?
• Worried about something that may be happening in your own life?
• Being mistreated by someone in your life?
• Are you hanging around with other bullies and want to fit in?
• Do you like the feeling of power bullying gives you?
• Do you think bullying someone makes you popular?
• Are you being bullied yourself and taking it out on someone else?
• Have you ever bullied someone, then denied it to a parent, teacher or authority figure? Even if they may have seen you do it?
• Have you ever threatened to harm someone if they reported your behavior? 

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then, by definition you have engaged in bullying behavior, and you need to think about why you do these things.

In class, we have discussed various possible reasons for bullying behavior.

They are:

• Some bullies seek attention ... even negative attention means someone is noticing them
• To steal things from others
• To make others afraid of them ... this gives a sense of power
• Some are jealous of the person they are bullying
• Many bullies may even be being bullied themselves
• Many bullies have had a bad experience themselves or they feel unhappy and/or insecure with their lives.
• Some bullies live abusive home lives
• And a few bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the sufferer feel. 

Of course, none of these things excuses a bully’s behavior. Understanding the underlying cause, however, can sometimes help in solving the situation.

Bullying can be likened to addiction; bullies become addicted to the power and control they have over others. That desire for power and control not only leads to negative attention, but may lead to much bigger trouble later in life. Research has shown that by the age of 24, bullies are 60% more likely to have a criminal record than any other group (Andy Tomko, You Big Bully, 2005). I don't know of anyone who willingly seeks out this type of life for themselves.

There is always hope for those who are willing to seek help. Those who recognize the error of their ways and are willing to make the effort to change and become better deserve respect, support, and encouragement.

As with any problem, admitting it is the first step. Own your behavior. Admit to yourself that what you are doing to others is wrong. Accept responsibility and reach out to someone and ask for assistance. Talk to your parents ... a teacher ... your Martial Arts instructor ... a school counselor. Talking about what you are doing brings it into the light; it may help you understand why you are doing it and provide an opportunity to change.

If bullying has become habitual -- that is, you have engaged in it for a considerable length of time -- it may not be easy to just stop. However, be patient and keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing and it will not only make a huge difference in your life but in the lives of those you once bullied.

If you have engaged in bullying behavior, regardless of the reason, you need to reach out for help. AND, YES, YOU CAN CHANGE.

Here are a few things that you may find helpful in changing your behavior:

• Talk to someone -- a parent, guardian, teacher, etc. -- and tell them how you feel; be completely honest
• Apologize to the person(s) you have been bullying. Out of anger or fear, they may not immediately accept your apology, and that is OK. It is your effort that is important, as long as it is sincere and you truly mean it. 
• Stop hanging around with other bullies ... even if you think of them as "friends" being around them is not healthy, and it will be too easy for you to be drawn back into negative behavior.
• Join a local youth club or sports team ... not only is the physical effort a good, healthy outlet for any pent up aggression, but sports teach teamwork and how to productively interact with peers
• Make new friends ... if you are cutting out the negative people in your life, seek out positive influences.
• Set goals, such as being friendly to everyone you meet or not being nasty or hurting anyone; if bullying is a habit, so is kindness and compassion. The more you exercise those healthy qualities, the stronger and more natural they will become.
• Talk to your friends -- your real friends -- and ask them to help you stop
• Do some volunteer work -- read to someone in a nursing home; pick up trash in the neighborhood; help out in the school counseling office; give talks about how not to be a bully. These are great ways to practice kindness, compassion, respect and to build a better self-image. 
  
  In conclusion, having read the words of the victims, and understanding the fear and pain with which they live  ... having asked yourself the difficult questions ... and realizing that bullying behavior may end lives, there is still hope.
  
  Even if you are a bully, you Can change ... and Barnes Martial Arts is here to help.

Are YOU a Bully? (Part ONE)

A great deal of time in our Studio is spent educating students on how to identifying bullies, understanding why people bully, how to properly respond to a bully, and even how to physically defend against a bully. 

One question that we address at Barnes Martial Arts that is frequently overlooked by most Martial Arts schools when speaking with their students is: "Are you a bully?" 

As educators we all want to believe that our own students are as pure as can be, that any threat to their classmates solely exists somewhere "out there". After all, no one would dare bully someone in a Martial Arts studio, would they? Sadly, although it is a very rare occurrence, that is, despite our best intentions, not always the case. The truth is bullies can exist wherever people interact. Disappointingly, over my 34 years in the Martial Arts I have unfortunately witnessed students bully others on the mats, in the dressing rooms, and in the parking lot outside the school. 

Barnes Martial Arts prides itself on being a "Bully-Free Zone", and I firmly believe that, thankfully, none of our students fits the profile, but it is wise, nonetheless, to address the issue as part of an overall program of preparedness. 

Bullying, as we are all aware, is a threat to the mental, physical, and psychological safety of children (and adults, for that matter); study after study has shown that the effects of bullying can last long after the behavior has stopped, even into adulthood (see: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1). 

So ... if you are a Martial Arts student (or parent of a student) and are unsure of whether you may be a bully at school or elsewhere, the following questions will help you reflect on your behavior and that of others around you. 

(1) DO I KNOW WHAT BULLYING IS ?

According to Center for Disease Control (CDC) guidelines, bullying is “any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) … that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” This dovetails with the definition that we use at the Studio, which comes from Master Dave Kovar's excellent organization, Martial Artists Against Bullying (http://donewithbullying.com) and their "Done With Bullying" program: "Bullying is when someone tries to deliberately hurt other people with words or actions. In order for something to truly be considered bullying, it must be intentional AND repetitive. Without these two words, anything could be labeled as bullying." 

(2) DO I DERIVE PLEASURE FROM WATCHING OR CAUSING OTHERS TO FAIL?

Bullies put people down in order to lift themselves up. They are trying to fit in and feel that bullying is the way to do it. They try to feel like more, by making others feel like less. If you like seeing classmates mess up a task, you will be less likely to be supportive of others’ successes and more inclined to ignore their feelings. 

(3) HOW IS MY LISTENING?

Do you listen carefully when people are talking or do you think mostly about how you will respond? When someone else is speaking, do you think to yourself (or say out loud): "Who cares? I just wish you'd shut up." Listening, with empathy and concern, is a good guard against bullying. Why is listening in this way important? Because, if you care about how your actions affect others, you are less likely to act in a way that hurts them.

(4) DO I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS TOUGH? 

How important to you is that your reputation is one of dominance and strength? If your reputation is largely built around your perceived strength over others, that is a serious problem. You are more likely to put yourself above them. Despite what a bully may believe, physically exerting oneself, hurting others, pushing, shoving, hitting, threatening violence, to get what you want is not a sign of toughness. On the contrary, it is an indicator of both fear, and a weakness of character.

Remember, true strength is measured in honesty, respect, confidence, trustworthiness, kindness, and compassion.

(5) DO I EXERCISE POWER OVER OTHERS JUST BECAUSE I CAN?

Sometimes bullies have an attitude that they call all the shots, that others must listen to them and do what they say or suffer the bully's anger. Do you boss others around? Do you like the feeling that someone has to do what you say? This is a serious warning sign. A better behavior is to become a friend rather than a dictator. 

(6) DO I BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY, OR TREAT OTHERS DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY A PARENT, TEACHER, OR AUTHORITY FIGURE? 

If you call people names, push them, invade their personal space, insult them, or cause them embarrassment when you think no one is looking, that is bullying behavior. Many bullies are sneaky and will only act out when they think there is no chance of being caught. You may think that they are cowards for acting this way, but it is an indicator of manipulative behavior. Bullies will frequently act friendly with their victims in front of teachers or parents, only to harass or hurt them the minute the teacher is out of sight.

Fortunately, the Martial Arts studio is small enough that the Master Instructor, Junior Leaders, and others can observe most behavior at all times. 

(7) HOW IS MY SENSE OF HUMOR?

Everyone loves to laugh and have a good time. A good sense of humor can bring people together. But jokes that focus on reinforcing one's supposed superiority over someone else are harmful. Jokes about somebody’s race or ethnicity; a physical or mental disability; making fun of someone who cannot afford expensive clothing; or that exploit common stigmas such as being poor, wearing glasses, or any number of factors is unacceptable. Even if the person being joked about appears to be in on it, know that it can often be difficult for them and/or bystanders -- due to fear or embarrassment -- to call out unfunny and mean jokes. They may laugh to mask the pain. And because determining that can be difficult , it is best to avoid inappropriate humor altogether.

A bully listens only for the laugh and derives pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others. 

(8) AM I A CYBER BULLY?

Before you send that Facebook message, or post that tweet, consider three important

rules of online social interaction:

1. Don’t say anything in writing you would not -- or should not -- say in person.

2. Remember it is hard to determine tone, intention, humor, or sarcasm in text form. 

3. Do not ever post someone else’s words or images without his/her permission. There is a saying that "The Internet is forever". What you post as a joke today, can cause someone pain for years. 

(9) HOW DO I SOLVE PROBLEMS? 

It’s inevitable -- and normal -- that you will eventually have problems with other people. Bullies may often avoid respectful solutions -- like discussion -- to problems; relying instead on force or control. They may manipulate others against the victim; they may be aggressive; or they may put others down if they don't get their way. Sometimes the insult may be spoken behind someone’s back, but it still establishes destructive behaviors by influencing other and possibly turning them against the bully's target.

It requires bravery and honesty -- characteristics that many bullies lack -- to deal with a problem directly. Bullies look for the easy way out: violence, threats, non-communication.

(10) DO I PERSUADE OR COERCE?

One can be can be assertive and well-spoken in one's point of view without resorting to manipulation or games to get what one wants. If you think that somebody is wrong or your idea is better, be persuasive, but not coercive. Persuasive means saying, "I think I have a good idea and here are the reasons that we might want to consider it." Coercion says, "We are going to do things my way ... or else."

Only a bully uses force or threats to get their way. Instead, be confident enough to be clear with your side of things and kind and open enough to listen to others’ views. The best ideas should win, not just yours.

If any of these questions made you pause and think about how you treat others, consider speaking with your parents or reaching out to a teacher.

It is never to late to make your life bully-free ... even if the bully is us.