Are YOU a Bully? (Part ONE)

A great deal of time in our Studio is spent educating students on how to identifying bullies, understanding why people bully, how to properly respond to a bully, and even how to physically defend against a bully. 

One question that we address at Barnes Martial Arts that is frequently overlooked by most Martial Arts schools when speaking with their students is: "Are you a bully?" 

As educators we all want to believe that our own students are as pure as can be, that any threat to their classmates solely exists somewhere "out there". After all, no one would dare bully someone in a Martial Arts studio, would they? Sadly, although it is a very rare occurrence, that is, despite our best intentions, not always the case. The truth is bullies can exist wherever people interact. Disappointingly, over my 34 years in the Martial Arts I have unfortunately witnessed students bully others on the mats, in the dressing rooms, and in the parking lot outside the school. 

Barnes Martial Arts prides itself on being a "Bully-Free Zone", and I firmly believe that, thankfully, none of our students fits the profile, but it is wise, nonetheless, to address the issue as part of an overall program of preparedness. 

Bullying, as we are all aware, is a threat to the mental, physical, and psychological safety of children (and adults, for that matter); study after study has shown that the effects of bullying can last long after the behavior has stopped, even into adulthood (see: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/02/20/effects-of-bullying-last-into-adulthood-study-finds/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1). 

So ... if you are a Martial Arts student (or parent of a student) and are unsure of whether you may be a bully at school or elsewhere, the following questions will help you reflect on your behavior and that of others around you. 

(1) DO I KNOW WHAT BULLYING IS ?

According to Center for Disease Control (CDC) guidelines, bullying is “any unwanted aggressive behavior(s) … that involves an observed or perceived power imbalance and is repeated multiple times or is highly likely to be repeated.” This dovetails with the definition that we use at the Studio, which comes from Master Dave Kovar's excellent organization, Martial Artists Against Bullying (http://donewithbullying.com) and their "Done With Bullying" program: "Bullying is when someone tries to deliberately hurt other people with words or actions. In order for something to truly be considered bullying, it must be intentional AND repetitive. Without these two words, anything could be labeled as bullying." 

(2) DO I DERIVE PLEASURE FROM WATCHING OR CAUSING OTHERS TO FAIL?

Bullies put people down in order to lift themselves up. They are trying to fit in and feel that bullying is the way to do it. They try to feel like more, by making others feel like less. If you like seeing classmates mess up a task, you will be less likely to be supportive of others’ successes and more inclined to ignore their feelings. 

(3) HOW IS MY LISTENING?

Do you listen carefully when people are talking or do you think mostly about how you will respond? When someone else is speaking, do you think to yourself (or say out loud): "Who cares? I just wish you'd shut up." Listening, with empathy and concern, is a good guard against bullying. Why is listening in this way important? Because, if you care about how your actions affect others, you are less likely to act in a way that hurts them.

(4) DO I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS TOUGH? 

How important to you is that your reputation is one of dominance and strength? If your reputation is largely built around your perceived strength over others, that is a serious problem. You are more likely to put yourself above them. Despite what a bully may believe, physically exerting oneself, hurting others, pushing, shoving, hitting, threatening violence, to get what you want is not a sign of toughness. On the contrary, it is an indicator of both fear, and a weakness of character.

Remember, true strength is measured in honesty, respect, confidence, trustworthiness, kindness, and compassion.

(5) DO I EXERCISE POWER OVER OTHERS JUST BECAUSE I CAN?

Sometimes bullies have an attitude that they call all the shots, that others must listen to them and do what they say or suffer the bully's anger. Do you boss others around? Do you like the feeling that someone has to do what you say? This is a serious warning sign. A better behavior is to become a friend rather than a dictator. 

(6) DO I BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY, OR TREAT OTHERS DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY A PARENT, TEACHER, OR AUTHORITY FIGURE? 

If you call people names, push them, invade their personal space, insult them, or cause them embarrassment when you think no one is looking, that is bullying behavior. Many bullies are sneaky and will only act out when they think there is no chance of being caught. You may think that they are cowards for acting this way, but it is an indicator of manipulative behavior. Bullies will frequently act friendly with their victims in front of teachers or parents, only to harass or hurt them the minute the teacher is out of sight.

Fortunately, the Martial Arts studio is small enough that the Master Instructor, Junior Leaders, and others can observe most behavior at all times. 

(7) HOW IS MY SENSE OF HUMOR?

Everyone loves to laugh and have a good time. A good sense of humor can bring people together. But jokes that focus on reinforcing one's supposed superiority over someone else are harmful. Jokes about somebody’s race or ethnicity; a physical or mental disability; making fun of someone who cannot afford expensive clothing; or that exploit common stigmas such as being poor, wearing glasses, or any number of factors is unacceptable. Even if the person being joked about appears to be in on it, know that it can often be difficult for them and/or bystanders -- due to fear or embarrassment -- to call out unfunny and mean jokes. They may laugh to mask the pain. And because determining that can be difficult , it is best to avoid inappropriate humor altogether.

A bully listens only for the laugh and derives pleasure from the pain or humiliation of others. 

(8) AM I A CYBER BULLY?

Before you send that Facebook message, or post that tweet, consider three important

rules of online social interaction:

1. Don’t say anything in writing you would not -- or should not -- say in person.

2. Remember it is hard to determine tone, intention, humor, or sarcasm in text form. 

3. Do not ever post someone else’s words or images without his/her permission. There is a saying that "The Internet is forever". What you post as a joke today, can cause someone pain for years. 

(9) HOW DO I SOLVE PROBLEMS? 

It’s inevitable -- and normal -- that you will eventually have problems with other people. Bullies may often avoid respectful solutions -- like discussion -- to problems; relying instead on force or control. They may manipulate others against the victim; they may be aggressive; or they may put others down if they don't get their way. Sometimes the insult may be spoken behind someone’s back, but it still establishes destructive behaviors by influencing other and possibly turning them against the bully's target.

It requires bravery and honesty -- characteristics that many bullies lack -- to deal with a problem directly. Bullies look for the easy way out: violence, threats, non-communication.

(10) DO I PERSUADE OR COERCE?

One can be can be assertive and well-spoken in one's point of view without resorting to manipulation or games to get what one wants. If you think that somebody is wrong or your idea is better, be persuasive, but not coercive. Persuasive means saying, "I think I have a good idea and here are the reasons that we might want to consider it." Coercion says, "We are going to do things my way ... or else."

Only a bully uses force or threats to get their way. Instead, be confident enough to be clear with your side of things and kind and open enough to listen to others’ views. The best ideas should win, not just yours.

If any of these questions made you pause and think about how you treat others, consider speaking with your parents or reaching out to a teacher.

It is never to late to make your life bully-free ... even if the bully is us.