Are YOU a Bully (Part TWO)?

Bullying hurts.

It is NOT a joke.

It is NOT just kids being kids.

Bullying is cruel and leaves scars.

Bullying behavior is LEARNED behavior.

Bullies DON’T just appear out of the blue.

Bullying IS violence.

The following are quotes from actual bully victims (for reasons of privacy, only first names are used where available):

"I don't want to go to school anymore. They make my life hell. No-one listens. I want to end it all" --  Ray, age 14

"It's been a very hard experience. The boys are the bad people. I don't care about them, and they're going to get the punishment they deserve," -- Austin, a 16 year old autistic high school student who was duct taped to a football goal post, abandoned, and screamed for 22 minutes until help finally arrived.

"There were times when I'd just sit outside by myself at recess, just sit outside and pick at the grass, because I felt like the world hated me." -- Trish, now 31 years old, was bullied throughout her middle and high school years. Her abuse ranged from kids calling her "Tissue" and wiping their noses on her clothing, to her "best friend" punching her, to even her cousins and sister forming a club they called "W.H.E.A.T." — "We Hate Everything About Trish"

"It makes me feel bad and rather depressed. Like I don't want to be a part of this world any more." -- Anonymous, age 13, victim of cyber-bullying.

"I got messages from people telling me to kill myself and saying that the world would be better off without me and that everybody hated me. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I lost all self esteem and became paranoid about people. I couldn't trust anyone because I found out that even some of the people who had been nice to me at a school had begun to send me abusive messages anonymously online,"  -- Natalie, age 15, whose bullying became so intense that she contemplated suicide.

"I was one of the odd ones out. The school did nothing." -- Sawyer, now 18, was punched in the back by a bully so hard that it brought him to his knees. Two days later, because of the pain, he was hospitalized; doctors informed him and his family that the punch likely caused the spinal blood clot which paralyzed him from the waist down.

"They make fun of my weight, and my clothes like they're pajamas. My class cut up my Tinkerbell shirt, now it has a big hole in it. I try to tell them to stop but they won't stop, they always push me down. It's really hard for me to take all that bullying. When they push me and make me sad and feel bad, it's really mean. I want to kill myself." -- Mariyah, age 7

I have included the quotes above, from the victims themselves in order to illustrate just how gravely serious the consequences of bullying can be. How severe does a behavior have to be that a 7 year old child thinks about taking their own life?

Part One of this series asked the hard question: "Are YOU a bully?"

I think it is important, before continuing, to read and then re-read the words of the victims. Because what a bully sees as "fun" can have devastating effects.

In light of the words of the victims, another sobering question must be asked: "Do you want to be the cause of someone's death?"

Bullying can kill, and has. Victims of bullying are 2-9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University. A study in Britain found that at least 50% of suicides among young people were related to bullying. The same study determined that 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide. According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying. Bully-related suicide -- which is so prevalent that it has been termed "bullycide" -- can be connected to any type of bullying, including physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyber-bullying, and sexting.

In “Are YOU a Bully (Part ONE)”, we explained that bullies may see their behavior as a way of being popular, or making themselves look tough and in charge.

As a refresher, here are a few more questions to consider in determining if you have ever behaved in a bullying manner.

Have you ever repeatedly:

• Called someone names?
• Physically hurt someone on purpose (hitting, kicking, punching etc)?
• Used your size to intimidate or threaten others?
• Made fun of people you perceive as different?
• Made fun of a person’s culture or religion?
• Laughed at someone because they have a disability?
• Said nasty things about another person’s weight, hair color, skin color or clothes?
• Taken someone else’s belongings?
• Damaged or destroyed someone else’s property?
• Spread rumors about someone?
• Said nasty things about someone behind their back?
• Purposely not invited someone to go out with you and your friends?
• Excluded someone from your group on purpose?
• Made someone cry on purpose?
• Sent someone nasty or threatening emails or texts?
• Posted mean or unkind comments about another person on a social networking site (Instagram, SnapChat, Twitter, Facebook, etc)?
• Laughed at someone who is being picked on?
• Are you jealous of the person you are bullying?
• Worried about something that may be happening in your own life?
• Being mistreated by someone in your life?
• Are you hanging around with other bullies and want to fit in?
• Do you like the feeling of power bullying gives you?
• Do you think bullying someone makes you popular?
• Are you being bullied yourself and taking it out on someone else?
• Have you ever bullied someone, then denied it to a parent, teacher or authority figure? Even if they may have seen you do it?
• Have you ever threatened to harm someone if they reported your behavior? 

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then, by definition you have engaged in bullying behavior, and you need to think about why you do these things.

In class, we have discussed various possible reasons for bullying behavior.

They are:

• Some bullies seek attention ... even negative attention means someone is noticing them
• To steal things from others
• To make others afraid of them ... this gives a sense of power
• Some are jealous of the person they are bullying
• Many bullies may even be being bullied themselves
• Many bullies have had a bad experience themselves or they feel unhappy and/or insecure with their lives.
• Some bullies live abusive home lives
• And a few bullies may not even understand how wrong their behavior is and how it makes the sufferer feel. 

Of course, none of these things excuses a bully’s behavior. Understanding the underlying cause, however, can sometimes help in solving the situation.

Bullying can be likened to addiction; bullies become addicted to the power and control they have over others. That desire for power and control not only leads to negative attention, but may lead to much bigger trouble later in life. Research has shown that by the age of 24, bullies are 60% more likely to have a criminal record than any other group (Andy Tomko, You Big Bully, 2005). I don't know of anyone who willingly seeks out this type of life for themselves.

There is always hope for those who are willing to seek help. Those who recognize the error of their ways and are willing to make the effort to change and become better deserve respect, support, and encouragement.

As with any problem, admitting it is the first step. Own your behavior. Admit to yourself that what you are doing to others is wrong. Accept responsibility and reach out to someone and ask for assistance. Talk to your parents ... a teacher ... your Martial Arts instructor ... a school counselor. Talking about what you are doing brings it into the light; it may help you understand why you are doing it and provide an opportunity to change.

If bullying has become habitual -- that is, you have engaged in it for a considerable length of time -- it may not be easy to just stop. However, be patient and keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing and it will not only make a huge difference in your life but in the lives of those you once bullied.

If you have engaged in bullying behavior, regardless of the reason, you need to reach out for help. AND, YES, YOU CAN CHANGE.

Here are a few things that you may find helpful in changing your behavior:

• Talk to someone -- a parent, guardian, teacher, etc. -- and tell them how you feel; be completely honest
• Apologize to the person(s) you have been bullying. Out of anger or fear, they may not immediately accept your apology, and that is OK. It is your effort that is important, as long as it is sincere and you truly mean it. 
• Stop hanging around with other bullies ... even if you think of them as "friends" being around them is not healthy, and it will be too easy for you to be drawn back into negative behavior.
• Join a local youth club or sports team ... not only is the physical effort a good, healthy outlet for any pent up aggression, but sports teach teamwork and how to productively interact with peers
• Make new friends ... if you are cutting out the negative people in your life, seek out positive influences.
• Set goals, such as being friendly to everyone you meet or not being nasty or hurting anyone; if bullying is a habit, so is kindness and compassion. The more you exercise those healthy qualities, the stronger and more natural they will become.
• Talk to your friends -- your real friends -- and ask them to help you stop
• Do some volunteer work -- read to someone in a nursing home; pick up trash in the neighborhood; help out in the school counseling office; give talks about how not to be a bully. These are great ways to practice kindness, compassion, respect and to build a better self-image. 
  
  In conclusion, having read the words of the victims, and understanding the fear and pain with which they live  ... having asked yourself the difficult questions ... and realizing that bullying behavior may end lives, there is still hope.
  
  Even if you are a bully, you Can change ... and Barnes Martial Arts is here to help.