Somehow, somewhere along the line in what -- I would like to believe -- was a probably sincere but ultimately misguided effort to protect the supposedly fragile self-esteem of our children, our culture went off the rails to ensure that they not only never lose, but also never feel the sting of disappointment.
I first personally awakened to this lamentable trend years ago while competing in regional karate tournaments. In fact, it is one of the reasons I retired from, and withdrew my studio from competing. In these tournaments, every participant would receive a trophy, regardless of their level of performance. At the time, I was primarily focused on my own performance and did not think much of it and, therefore, said nothing. Later, when I had students of my own entered into competition, the idea didn't sit well with me. Of course, the promoter referred to these smaller trophies as "participation trophies" but the implication was clear -- "there are no losers here; everyone is a winner."
I am sorry, but that just isn't life. I get why the promoters did it -- no one enjoys losing, or seeing kids lose, or dealing with the subsequent tears and disappointment. But those excuses don't make it right; they foster a sense of entitlement and a narcissistic belief that the world owes you something "just because". As harsh as it sounds, in life there are winners and losers; life owes us precisely nothing. It was not until I attended another tournament -- one in which I was officiating but not competing -- that I realized just how ludicrous the situation had become. Unlike the first tournament, where the "participation trophies" were noticeably smaller than those of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd-place winners, these were nearly all uniform in size, separated by mere fractions of an inch.
What in the world was going on here? As if nearly equal-sized trophies alone were not enough to boggle the mind, what I experienced next left me positively reeling. In the pre-competition officials' meeting it was revealed by the promoter that they had had some "unpleasant experiences" in years past with a few younger competitors who "noticed the difference" in size of their trophies ("participation trophies", mind you) versus those of the winners. So, in order to "minimize negative feelings", they minimized the size differences.
I, for one, thought this was patently ridiculous and this time I voiced my opinion.
Astoundingly to me, as it turned out, I was in the minority. Judging by the number of nodding heads, the overwhelming majority of ring judges and event officials -- all experienced Black Belts and school owners -- were in agreement.
I could only shake my head, mystified.
This attitude is not, by any means, restricted to the Martial Arts. A quick Google search reveals that the practice goes on in soccer, football, baseball, and dance and gymnastics. T-ball, basketball, volleyball and lacrosse are a few other sports in which the Powers-That-Be have indulged their participants.
In caving to pressure exerted by certain coddled players and their petulant parents, some schools have gone so far as to eliminate keeping score in sports for certain age groups.
If there is no score, why bother competing? In fact, if one does not keep score there is no competition -- there is only exhibition; there is no real test of skill. Who puts forth their best, prolonged effort just to show off?
It isn't only sports and physical disciplines, either. In one article, an elementary school gave out "Honor Student" awards alphabetically, but that wasn't good enough for one parent who complained that his daughter's last name assured that she would always go last, and that "was hardly fair".
Another article detailed how two Kansas school districts refuse to allow any student to score lower than a "C", ensuring that no one ever fails.
One study, published in the Teacher's College Record, indicated that a staggering 86% of private college students get nothing lower than a "B".
The list goes on.
And on.
Life isn't "equal".
Life isn't "fair".
Nor, in my estimation, is it meant to be. Both qualities are human constructs, by the way -- Life itself is neither "fair/unfair" or "equal/unequal"; Life just ... is.
The sooner we abandon political correctness and acclimate ourselves to Life's inherent "inequality" and "unfairness", the better off we -- and our kids -- will be.
The truth is: when everybody wins, nobody wins. When everyone wins a trophy it diminishes the efforts of those who truly work to excel.
More and more it appears we wish to avoid allowing our kids to fall down, to learn from the pain of scraped knees or bad grades or -- oh no!! -- losing.
This shouldn't happen, especially in Martial Arts, the whole history of which has always been predicated upon individual effort.
At Barnes Martial Arts, belts are earned, not given. We will never promote a student to any Belt, let alone Black Belt, who has not done the requisite work,
Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you lose more often than you win even if you are good at something. Babe Ruth, by way of example, the New York Yankee who once held the record for the most career home runs, also held the record for most strike outs at bat.
So is failing.
They teach you to deal with disappointment. Overcoming loss and failure allows you to develop a sense of humility; it sharpens your resolve. Strength and resilience are built through adversity. If one never loses, how are they going to learn to come back from that, and try again?
The real questions, though, aren't whether we are winners or losers, but have we improved since yesterday? Are we still moving forward? That is real winning.
In conclusion, I leave you with two quotes; the first is from a man I greatly admire; the second is from one of my favorite movies.“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in 2 ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength” – H.H. Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life.”
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa
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