Not Everyone Gets a Trophy ... or a Black Belt

"I came home to find out that my boys received two trophies for nothing, participation trophies! While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do and will encourage them till the day I die, these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real trophy. I’m sorry I’m not sorry for believing that everything in life should be earned and I’m not about to raise two boys to be men by making them believe that they are entitled to something just because they tried their best … cause sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better … not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut you up and keep you happy." -- James Harrison, linebacker, Pittsburgh Steelers, social media post, August 15, 2015

     Somehow, somewhere along the line in what -- I would like to believe -- was a probably sincere but ultimately misguided effort to protect the supposedly fragile self-esteem of our children, our culture went off the rails to ensure that they not only never lose, but also never feel the sting of disappointment.

     I first personally awakened to this lamentable trend years ago while competing in regional karate tournaments. In fact, it is one of the reasons I retired from, and withdrew my studio from competing. In these tournaments, every participant would receive a trophy, regardless of their level of performance. At the time, I was primarily focused on my own performance and did not think much of it and, therefore, said nothing. Later, when I had students of my own entered into competition, the idea didn't sit well with me. Of course, the promoter referred to these smaller trophies as "participation trophies" but the implication was clear -- "there are no losers here; everyone is a winner."

     I am sorry, but that just isn't life. I get why the promoters did it -- no one enjoys losing, or seeing kids lose, or dealing with the subsequent tears and disappointment. But those excuses don't make it right; they foster a sense of entitlement and a narcissistic belief that the world owes you something "just because". As harsh as it sounds, in life there are winners and losers; life owes us precisely nothing. 

     It was not until I attended another tournament -- one in which I was officiating but not competing -- that I realized just how ludicrous the situation had become. Unlike the first tournament, where the "participation trophies" were noticeably smaller than those of the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd-place winners, these were nearly all uniform in size, separated by mere fractions of an inch.

     What in the world was going on here? As if nearly equal-sized trophies alone were not enough to boggle the mind, what I experienced next left me positively reeling. In the pre-competition officials' meeting it was revealed by the promoter that they had had some "unpleasant experiences" in years past with a few younger competitors who "noticed the difference" in size of their trophies ("participation trophies", mind you) versus those of the winners. So, in order to "minimize negative feelings", they minimized the size differences. 
     I, for one, thought this was patently ridiculous and this time I voiced my opinion. 
     Astoundingly to me, as it turned out, I was in the minority. Judging by the number of nodding heads, the overwhelming majority of ring judges and event officials -- all experienced Black Belts and school owners -- were in agreement. 
     I could only shake my head, mystified.

     This attitude is not, by any means, restricted to the Martial Arts. A quick Google search reveals that the practice goes on in soccer, football, baseball, and dance and gymnastics. T-ball, basketball, volleyball and lacrosse are a few other sports in which the Powers-That-Be have indulged their participants. 
     In caving to pressure exerted by certain coddled players and their petulant parents, some schools have gone so far as to eliminate keeping score in sports for certain age groups.

     If there is no score, why bother competing? In fact, if one does not keep score there is no competition -- there is only exhibition; there is no real test of skill. Who puts forth their best, prolonged effort just to show off? 

     It isn't only sports and physical disciplines, either. In one article, an elementary school gave out "Honor Student" awards alphabetically, but that wasn't good enough for one parent who complained that his daughter's last name assured that she would always go last, and that "was hardly fair".
     Another article detailed how two Kansas school districts refuse to allow any student to score lower than a "C", ensuring that no one ever fails.
     One study, published in the Teacher's College Record, indicated that a staggering 86% of private college students get nothing lower than a "B". 

     The list goes on. 
     And on. 

   

     Is this what we have become as a society? As a culture? Have we become such monumental cry-babies that no one is allowed to excel if we can't? Must everything be equal? Why bother learning problem-solving skills, if there are never to be obstacles to begin with?

     Life isn't "equal". 
     Life isn't "fair". 
     Nor, in my estimation, is it meant to be. Both qualities are human constructs, by the way -- Life itself is neither "fair/unfair" or "equal/unequal"; Life just ... is. 

     The sooner we abandon political correctness and acclimate ourselves to Life's inherent "inequality" and "unfairness", the better off we -- and our kids -- will be. 
     The truth is: when everybody wins, nobody wins. When everyone wins a trophy it diminishes the efforts of those who truly work to excel. 
     More and more it appears we wish to avoid allowing our kids to fall down, to learn from the pain of scraped knees or bad grades or -- oh no!! -- losing. 

     This shouldn't happen, especially in Martial Arts, the whole history of which has always been predicated upon individual effort.

In martial Arts, though we often engage with training partners, no one puts forth your effort but you; no one reaps the benefit of your skill development but you.

     At Barnes Martial Arts, belts are earned, not given. We will never promote a student to any Belt, let alone Black Belt, who has not done the requisite work,

put forth the necessary effort. No one gets a Black Belt just because they "showed up".

     Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you lose more often than you win even if you are good at something. Babe Ruth, by way of example, the New York Yankee who once held the record for the most career home runs, also held the record for most strike outs at bat. 

     Losing is good for you. 
     So is failing. 
     They teach you to deal with disappointment. Overcoming loss and failure allows you to develop a sense of humility; it sharpens your resolve. Strength and resilience are built through adversity. If one never loses, how are they going to learn to come back from that, and try again?

     The real questions, though, aren't whether we are winners or losers, but have we improved since yesterday? Are we still moving forward? That is real winning.

     In conclusion, I leave you with two quotes; the first is from a man I greatly admire; the second is from one of my favorite movies.“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in 2 ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength” – H.H. Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life.” 
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

   

       

Black Belt Parenting -- Attendance: A Key to Success

Consistent class attendance is the biggest contributing factor to success!

Discipline ... respect ... improved focus ... resistance to negative peer pressure ... standing up to bullies ... increased confidence and self-esteem ... a solid work ethic ... personal responsibility ... kindness ... compassion ... the list of benefits from Martial Arts training for students of all ages is nearly endless!!  

     However, students cannot reap those benefits if they aren't in the classroom; therefore, one of the most fundamental things your child can do to achieve Black Belt success is also one of the most crucial: attending class.  

     By establishing that attendance at the Studio is a priority, you are taking an important step in supporting your child's success, not only in Martial Arts but in Life, as well as setting a good example. While we would LOVE to see every child attend on a daily basis, we understand that this is not always possible and, therefore, recommend a minimum of two classes per week – three would be optimal!!

     As in their regular school, where research has shown that attendance may be the biggest factor influencing a child's academic success, progress through the Martial Arts ranks – as well as attaining a host of connected mental benefits – has a direct correlation to how often they come to class.

Benefits of Regular Attendance

By attending class regularly, your child will keep up with the daily/weekly lessons and assignments, and take Stripe and Belt tests on time.

     


There are other benefits as well:

• Achievement: Students who regularly attend class are more likely to have the discipline to commit to and complete other activities in their life than students who didn't attend regularly.

• Opportunity: Being at the Studio several times a week affords students an opportunity to engage with a wide variety of people, maximize their social skills, and – for older students – opens the potential to assume leadership rolls within the school.

• Being part of the school community: Just by being present at the Studio, your child is learning valuable life and social skills, working on Kindness Missions, learning the importance of respect, discipline, focus, awareness, teamwork, compassion and developing a broader world view.

• The importance of education: Your commitment to class attendance will also send a message to your child that the value of Martial Arts education is a priority for your family; going to the Studio is a critical part of success, and that it's important to take your responsibilities seriously — including finishing those things which you start. 

What You Can Do When Your Child Misses Class

     So what happens when your child needs to miss school due to a medical appointment or family trip? Sometimes these situations can't be avoided. In such cases:

• Contact the Studio Immediately -- Talk with the instructor to make sure your child doesn't fall behind on any of the lessons that he/she missed.

• Judge These Situations Carefully --  Attendance is a policy that we take seriously. Unlike your child’s regular school, where unexcused absences go on a permanent record, the consequences of missing class at the Studio can include falling behind on lessons, missing Stripe and Belt tests that will put them behind their classmates, and an overall decline in performance. 

• Help Your Child get to the Studio on Time every day -- Babysitting, problems with a car, bus, or the weather are all understandable issues. But frequently coming to class late develops bad habits that may manifest in other areas, and it is distracting to the classes already in progress. Frequent tardiness often leads to lack of motivation, and will make it difficult for your child to stay caught up with the lessons of each class. Reinforce the Black Belt Attitude of Self-Discipline by teaching your child how to set and use an alarm clock, and to avoid distractions like the television, computer or video games prior to leaving for class.

• Follow the Studio’s Guidelines and Attendance Policy --  Upon enrollment in our Studio, each student receives (usually by email) a copy of a Technique Manual for their age-group, and a Student Handbook that clearly outlines the rules of etiquette at the Studio (our expectation for a student’s behavior) and our Attendance Policy. Periodically reviewing the Student Handbook with your child throughout their training, explaining the rules and answering any questions they may have, reinforces their commitment and  allows them to fully understand what is expected of them.

• Check Homework – Yes, we give homework – in the form of Kindness Missions, new techniques, katas, basics, etc. Students – especially children – should practice at home as well as in the Studio. This builds positive habits and a strong work ethic, but also helps place the responsibility for their success or failure squarely in their own hands. Each night after class, check to see that your child understands and completes the day's assignments. Home practice also tends to build enthusiasm, especially when directed by a caring, encouraging parent. 

• Take an Active Role – At our Studio, parents are more than just spectators; we value your feedback. We also request your participation in helping your child to practice at home, as well as carry out Kindness Missions, and attend special lessons and classes ... but most of all, we urge you to encourage your child in pursuit of their success. While constructive criticism has its place in developing superior technique, we encourage you to be a “good-finder”. Celebrate the little goals along the way – not just the Stripe and Belt tests, but praise their performance in class. Stay involved with your child's experiences at the Studio by asking them how class went, and then listening carefully to what they share with you — both the successes and struggles. Make it a point to meet and regularly speak with your child's instructor. 

• Locate Potential Sources of Anxiety -- Kids frequently use the excuse that “I’m bored” to avoid attending class, even when there may be a deeper underlying issue. If your child frequently appears upset or reluctant to attend class and cannot tell you why, schedule an appointment with the instructor to discuss possible sources of the anxiety.

• Keep Updated on Studio Events and Announcements -- Read the documents that your child brings home, take note of important announcements and dates, watch the calendar, keep up with the Studio Facebook page, YouTube channel, and online blog. There are a ton of interesting, exciting and motivational activities going on at the Studio. 

• Try to Limit the Amount of Time Your Child Misses Class due to Medical Appointments or Illness – Whenever possible, avoid scheduling doctor's appointments during class time. Allow your child to stay home only in the case of contagious or severe illnesses. Exercise, including Martial Arts, is excellent for strengthening the body's immune system. 

• Keep Your Child's Attendance Schedule in Mind When Planning Extended Vacations – Everyone needs an occasional break from the pressures of daily life. Bear in mind, however, that any time away from the Studio will have an effect on not only the quality of one’s training, but on progression through the ranks. In the case of family vacations, nonattendance due to medical circumstances, or extended absences, talk to the instructor as far in advance as possible and, together, you may be able to set up a way that your child might incorporate practice into their time away.

• Plan Ahead -- Encourage your child to prepare for class by laying out their uniform and belt the night before. This speeds up the process of getting ready, develops the habit of personal responsibility and helps avoid excuses of “I forgot my belt” or “I left my uniform at home.”

• Promote Good Health – Martial Arts is part of an overall healthy way of life. Above and beyond the value of learning practical self-defense, our ongoing anti-bully message and Acts of Kindness, Martial Arts workouts build muscle and burn fat and calories. Diabetes and obesity have reached epidemic proportions in this country, even – perhaps, especially – among children. Heart disease is among the top killers of American men and women. An increasingly sedentary lifestyle combined with a voracious consumption of greasy, fat and sodium-laden fast foods, is proving deadly to us. At Barnes Martial Arts, we feel that it is our duty to show that REAL self-defense (“protecting ourselves from anything that would harm us”) goes beyond kicking, punching and grappling. It is a lifestyle that includes awareness of the substances and foods we put into our bodies. We urge our students to eat a balanced diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins, and to get plenty of fresh air. Through regular, consistent attendance at the Studio, your child has an opportunity to exercise every day – in an exciting, FUN manner!

• Create a restful environment. Finally, make sure that your child can relax before bedtime by doing something quiet like reading rather than do something stimulating, like watching television. Ensure that your child gets enough quality sleep — ideal amounts range from 8 to 12 hours. Getting enough sleep will help him/her get up on time, be refreshed in the morning, and feel ready for not only a full day of learning in school, but for their high-energy Martial Arts classes! 

In Conclusion ... 

Every student progresses at their own pace ... but they have to show up!!

     Students who frequently miss days – or even weeks – of training will find it difficult to maintain their enthusiasm for training and align their progression through the ranks with their peers. Prolonged absences are also difficult on parents, often leading to arguments. 

By making attendance a priority, you will be taking an important step in supporting your child's success, and setting a good example.

Remember — every class counts!

How Are You Using Your 86,400?

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. However, there are certain rules.

RULE #1 -- Everything that you didn't spend each day would be taken away from you. The bank carries over no balance from day to day.

RULE #2 -- You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. The next morning, upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

RULE #3 -- The bank can end the process without warning; at any time it can say, “It’s over”. It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do? Would you withdraw every cent? Buy anything and everything you wanted not only for yourself, but for all of the people you love? Maybe even for people you don't know -- because, of course, you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself? Would you help the less fortunate or hoard it all? Or would you just leave the money alone and not touch it at all? Would you ignore the daily deposits and nightly deletions?

The fact is that each of us is already in possession of such a magical bank; we just can't seem to see it; or if we see it, we appear to take it for granted that it will always be there.

The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!

Every morning, we are credited with 86,400 seconds – one full day. Every night, the amount of time that we have failed to invest to a good purpose is written off as a loss; never to be recovered. No balance of time is carried over to the next day. And time allows no over draft. Each day a new account is opened for you. Each night the remains of the day are burned away. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

You can never recover the time that has passed. 

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in happiness, and health.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank (Life, if you will) can dissolve your account at any time ... without warning. None of us is ever guaranteed a new day. We have only this moment.

So, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds? Aren't they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?

Enjoy every second of your life; use it wisely.

The clock is ticking, my friends.

Make the most of today – it is the only time you have.